Musingly Melanie

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

2011-11-04T15:54:00.001-06:00

Do you have that tune going through your head now? Good , we now have even more in common :-). We have been looking to sell our home for a long list of very good reasons, finally there is an offer on the home and it looks like it can all be closed on within the next 30 days. The whole family was on board and ready for the next chapter in our life, when the winds began to shift...

I really want to fully live all the knowledge I have gleaned over the years. When I was promoting my healthful living classes as a childless, fit, vibrant younger woman newly degreed/certified in a myriad of holistic lifestyle topics and thinking I knew everything, back in the mid eighties to mid nineties, there didn't seem to be much interest or awareness from the people in this area. Since then, the area now almost seems over saturated in classes and "experts" in those various fields. Here I sit; sleep deprived, filled with rolls and wrinkles, a lot more educated (therefore knowing I don't really know anything), lucky if I get through a day with a moment to myself (forget the long yogic rituals I used to do, my only place for prayer and meditation now is during a shower or potty break), filled with mother guilt, and my dream came knocking at my door.

I was in a slump when asked to give a cooking class. Young me would have been all ready to share my "expertise", Old Muffin Top Momma me wondered what I could even impart that people didn't already know? I gave the cooking class and people seemed really excited. I was asked to start a blog of what I do daily (still working that all out), various informational tidbits, and recipes. I put some things up Wednesday night and it has been really well received.

I always wanted to have a space (I even have a name for it) were people can gather and learn from each other. Where we act locally and think globally with all that we consume and do; food, art, music, dance, gardening, being, ... a comfortable, safe place in which one can find their valued niche and all benefit. My current home is set up in such a way that I could do that on a very small scale here and the interest from others literally manifested at my doorstep. If we move then I lose this resource.

Teaching classes and blogging will hold me accountable so my family and I continue to transform to vibrant health, maybe even it would help contribute financially. Without that motivation I fall prey to couchbutt and bellowing to the kids to make themselves a pb & j.

The boys now have a great team working with them at school (not the case a few months ago). They are not fully happy there, but they seem to struggle wherever they go and a supportive team is a highly valued asset. The boys also do not do well sharing a room. We have found a much saner living environment when we got them their own space. The house we are looking at moving into will require that they share a room.

We are unexpectedly down to one vehicle with no funds to buy a second. How would el spouso commute to work? Here we are located right between his two jobs and it is a short bike ride.

Dear daughter has a struggle with the long commute now and it would really benefit her health to move closer, but she graduates next year. Also, the house we are looking at moving into does not allow her a private study space. Something we have created here that has given her a much needed respite from the rest of the family's intrusions. She also doesn't want to move during finals.

This house is going to need large repairs that there are no funds for. Renting will be a set price and we don't have to worry about large repairs. A chance to get control of things financially again.

I want to be closer to my family. I definitely know this isn't our last house. What if the market continues to drop so low and is so over saturated that we can't get out of the house later? I would really love the freedom of knowing I can head back east at a drop of the hat. The kids want to start our life over in a new state after babygirl graduates next year.

So come on and let me know, should we stay or should we go?

It's been how long?

2011-11-02T16:55:00.002-06:00

Wow. My blog jumped right from Spring to Fall. Summer was filled with a marvelous cross country trip with my three kidlets and German daughter. We logged a lot of miles on the minivan and meet with marvelous friends and family, some for the first time. We said hello and good bye to my two grandmothers as one passed within a day of seeing her and the other within two months. It was definitely a journey that needed to happen. It had been over 20 years since I had seen some of them. I vow never to go that long between embracing a treasured friend again!

We are now in full back to school mode and I seem to have unlimited rides on this roller coaster of life.Yippee!

So what pulled me back to my blog in the midst of all this joyful living? Last night I taught a "Healthy Cooking" class. I honestly was uncomfortable when I was asked to teach it. What could I offer that people don't already know? My physique is not that of a vibrant, health Guru. Will they find any value listening to a Mom with a muffin top? Surprisingly, they seemed to enjoy it and asked for handouts on the information. I am not a fan of paper overuse and I am not sure what information they want (there was a lot of tidbits in there). One person in the class suggested I have a blog. That idea was reiterated by people today, causing me to wander over and check the blog I already have.

I am hoping if I start a new blog of what we are eating and doing to stay healthy it will hold me accountable. Maybe being asked to teach the class and write a blog was Divine Intervention in my quest to see my toes again? My goals are simple, I want people to know what roll on my front are my breasts (and not just the top one by default), I want to participate in a Tough Mudder next year, and I want to keep my family well nourished and healthy.
I had been going strong with my training and diet. Not many visual results but I was feeling GREAT. Then, for the last week and two days, I have not exercised once and my diet went kaput. Reporting to a blog might get me back on track. I still want to keep this one for "musings" and create a new one for the recipes and nutrition.Toying with ideas of a title that will inspire me to report... "No more MuffinTop Momma", "Fluff Mother and the Tough Mudder", "Happy Haven", "Roly-Poly Momma and her quest to find her toes", "Feeding Family Fitness", "Embracing Edible Enlightenment" Off to see what has already been taken :-)...
O. K. I'm back. I had wanted "Nutritious Nosh" but it was taken. Settled in at Edible Enlightenment... check it out http://edibleenlightenment.blogspot.com/

So happy my path crosses yours

2011-04-24T21:10:00.000-06:00

Have had several people in and out of the house lately, including our first time with young children from another country. I wish I had a video recorder, I so loved the interaction between Aaron and our French speaking guest. Aaron went around pointing to things saying the English, while Lirian said the French. They bonded over Legos and dinosaurs. The language and cultural barrier seemed nonexistent, while the universal language of childhood prevailed. We were all so sad to see them go.
I also had the gift of a very straightforward young lady staying with us. She called me on "my stuff" with laughter and love. I really appreciate the opportunity she gave me to take a hard look at myself and make improvements. Hopefully it will be a benefit to the whole family ;-).
The guest we have right now has the gift of picking up any musical instrument in our home and producing the most magical sounds. She also looks through our fridge and creates vegan masterpieces. Great big huge extra bonus, she does dishes. Really wishing we could keep her here forever, but she wants to see more of the west then our home. How selfish of her... ;-)

People have been asking a lot about the organizations we host people through and our experiences. We have learned a lot from each and every person we have opened our home and family to. Some individuals taught my children what they don't want to act like in other peoples home, some have taught us to not be so attached to material possessions (they liberated us from some), ... each time we start to think it is a bad idea to continue to open our home we are sent angels.
We have had the privilege of hosting some of the most amazing people we share this planet with. We get to welcome one such angel back into our home this summer. On July 13 our "German daughter" returns to the States, we were SO enriched by her time with us a few years ago and we can't wait to have her back in our midst. Knowing these amazing souls exist and having them share their light in our home, really makes this Earthwalk so much easier.
As I write this, the strains of music produced by one such angel, soothes the soul. I sit here hearing the melody mixed with the sound of dishes being done, and my children reading their scriptures together, and all is right in the world.

My 24 hours

2011-03-03T01:39:00.000-07:00

Lost in the labyrinth of deep sleep a vivid dream began to play out. I sat in a cushioned chair watching an outside movie, and as my eyes wandered I saw a little girl with a bottle in her mouth. She was heading for a busy road that people turned onto from a blind corner. I looked frantically around for a parent and saw none. She toddled by people and moving cars right into the middle of the street. I screamed for someone to help her but no one responded until a car squealed around a corner and hit her, followed by another car. There was no way she survived. It was very graphic and real.
I started crying and said, "If only I had gone for her instead of waiting for someone else to do it."
I heard a voice, "You can."
I protested as the dream started over, usually I have more control then allowing that to happen. Yet there I sat again, watching the girl toddle for the road. This time I leapt into action, running after her. I paused for a second as a man crossed in front of me, and in that second she put on speed straight into the road. The car once again came around the corner and her body went flying.
I put the dumbfounded people around me to work. "You three, stop traffic." "You, call 911." "You, bring me my purse." I grabbed emergency stuff I sometimes carry in my purse and worked on stabilizing the child best I could. The Mother was crying, "I didn't even know she had gotten out. I was talking to a friend."
I awoke crying and the details of the dream burning in my brain. I was so shaken by it I shared the dream with Rian. "It's just a dream Mom. A hard one to experience, but still just a dream."

Then my day happened. At one point in the day I found myself in the Costco parking lot, local friends will know the area I am talking about. Right in front of the store is a three way stop and an area where one of the parking aisles empty out. Cars and people are going every which way. I approached the area in my van and saw movement out of the corner of my eye.
There was a little girl with a bottle hanging out of her mouth, toddling through the parking lot with no parent in sight. It was so surreal, I went rigid as I watched a car backing out of it's space miss her by inches. I realized the "movie seat and movie" from my dream was actually the view and seat in my van. I looked ahead and recognized this area had "blind corners" and she was moving fast.
I gunned my van forward, cutting off a man who was about to walk in front of me, and put my van in the middle of that intersection. By doing so stopping all traffic. The girl toddled oblivious into the road then hopped across a little park strip and crawled into a SUV that was sitting there with the door open. At the back of the SUV were two woman chatting and unloading their purchases into the vehicle.
Cars honked at me and the man looked at me throwing his hands up into the air. Hadn't anyone else seen the child? I pulled forward, found a parking space, put my head in my hands and cried.

I have never had an experience like this before. To watch my dream play out in reality and be able to change the outcome is something from a sci fi movie... and I lived it. Who knows, maybe I was just an over reactive bad driver and the girl would have been fine. I wasn't going to chance ever finding out.

Week in a Whirl

2011-02-28T13:06:00.000-07:00

"My Mom lives in the van." Sam stated.
Yeah, that about sums it up. All the kids have had to go in different directions even more so then usual this past week. The only exercise I've gotten in is turning the steering wheel, and increasing my lung power by bellowing, "Hurry up we're gonna be late!"

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Aaron came home Friday, threw himself on the ground and moaned, "Special Ed. is ruining my life." I couldn't help but burst out laughing. After I got some details about the cause of his lament, I joined him on the floor, news flash for ya Baby Boy, it's not doing much for mine either...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ever been so tired you fall asleep in the middle of typinggggggggggggggggggggg ZONK.

Silly Blog...

2011-02-18T10:22:00.000-07:00

I don't know why my blog is refusing to let some of you post comments. I just tweaked with it, but that is probably a guarantee that it is now truly not working.
A great big thank you to those of you who have made the effort to come over to my fb page or send me an email to respond to my last post. I needed (and continue to need) to hear from you. Your thoughts are really enhancing my scope. Thank you (((hugs))).
I have all the kids home for a four day weekend. It is a safe bet that I won't be able to wonder back here for awhile :-).

Denying Disability?

2011-02-16T16:39:00.001-07:00

Reading a post by BbsMum and a post she referred to within that post, has set off a whole bunch of internal dialogue. In those beautifully shared and written posts, they shared the joy of their child doing the things they thought they would never do. I tried to think if there is anything I thought any of my children would never do... came up with nothing, except one very heartbreaking reality, more on that later. There is plenty I have been told my children would never do. Sam has overcome the naysayers the most. I plan on doing a whole post about all he has triumphed over. I need to do this, and a few other posts, as a form of reminder to me.

Aaron is who is foremost on my mind at the moment. We have been told he will never, "be able to handle a crowd, write legibly, be able to manage a 'normal' classroom, work in a group, communicate his feelings, be coordinated, handle spontaneity, control his emotions, live independently,..." It seems like whenever I am told a "never" I take it as a personal challenge. I understand it might not be done like everyone else (see this post) but don't tell me it can't be done.

When last week I was told, "You know he will never be able to live independently". I set to work. He was doing dishes and he always has some one else empty the strainer and do the washing part, because he can't stand the feel of it and the idea of all those germs freak him out. I told him someday he will be living on his own and will have to do it. There was wailing and tears (on both our part). After he calmed down he sat in front of the sink for awhile with a perplexed look on his face. He then got a butter knife and fork and proceeded to do some elaborate work removing the strainer and getting it clean without touching it with his hands at all. He made it through the washing with tears streaming down his face. I rewarded him with a hug (which he feel shaking into my arms) and a copious amount of hand sanitizer. It broke my heart to do it, and it wasn't easy. There have been plenty of times I attempted something like this and we really just had to say, "you gave it your best shot, we'll try again another time." but this time he did it. He even said, "that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be." after being curled up in my arms for awhile. Granted, it is not living independently, but it is a start. After all, he is only eleven.

There are so many times that are streaming through my head right now, but it would take a book to cover them all. The words at an IEP last year haunts me, "I don't think you accept the fact that your son has a disability." That statement made me mad, now I wonder if it is true. I stopped going to Autism support groups because I got irritated by all the people seeming to make excuses for their children. "Little Johnny should be able to jump out the window during class, he doesn't know any better." What?!? But am I too hard on my kids? Funny thing is, I get well meaning friends, teachers, and family who tell me I 'baby' them (usually the same ones who are quick to tell me I 'expect to much of them'. Huh?!? make up your mind)

I also get caught up at times in the "should be able to". Aaron was reading for a class I was observing and the teacher pointed out to me how "wooden and slow he reads". I agreed we need to work on his expression and fluency. Then I went home and thought about it. My multi-labeled son was reading out loud, in a class, on his own and you want me to tell him to do better? He is a voracious silent reader. Does it really matter that he sounds 'wooden'? Am I so caught up in helping him figure out what he could (maybe) do, that I forget to celebrate the things he can do?

I guess there is an element of Mother guilt involved. If only I had started some intervention, diet, technique, training, supplement,... sooner. Avoided vaccinations, preservatives, additives, mold, food, breathing,... Now I need to make up for all the angst I caused. I also need to stop comparing, I tell myself this one all the time. I remember it when I am homeschooling, but as soon as they are back in a classroom I can't help but look around and notice how different my kids are...

How much is about me and my issues? Do I lose sight of celebrating who my children are? The only time I accepted a "never" was when we were repeatedly told that M & A would always struggle and our family will "never" make it if they remain in the home. We spent four years in intense therapy trying to prove that wrong. Then I got tired/gave up. M & A are no longer in our home. Not a day goes by when I don't think of them and wonder, "If only I had tried a little harder." I know I can’t dwell on that, so I usually send a prayer up and trust that He will take care of where I failed.

I know it is ultimately up to our children to decide what they want to do with their life, but I strongly feel that they are given as a gift, and we are to do all that is in our power to give them the tools to make that decision. In return, they teach me new things everyday. Whenever I start to underestimate them I think of Carly (you can also find her on facebook), we can't know what lies beneath the surface of another person. Just because it is not packaged and presented like the general population, doesn't mean "never".

Finding the balance between pushing them and supporting them isn't easy. I saw a sitcom the other day that spoke some words of wisdom to me, "Always encourage your children and never be critical. There will be enough people in their life ready to tear them down, it is the parents job to always believe in them.". Am I too critical of them?

I want to share with all of you because I need a third party perspective. "It takes a village..." I wonder if my limited scope has done more harm then good.

As I go to post, this song came on. It struck a nerve. Do I love them for them? Not for what they have done or what they'll become...
So I thought I would share it...

Happy Valentines Day!

2011-02-14T23:22:00.001-07:00

I am really in love with me at the moment.

Got up early, made fruit smoothies and Johnny Cakes.

Gathered together kidlets, Valentines, lunches, the rest of the carpool, and whisked them off to school.

Worked out for an hour.

Got myself all showered and lookin' fancy like.

Rescued Rian from pain with an emergency appointment to the Orthodontist.

Rescued Aaron from trauma by delivering the right pen to him at school.

Got Rian lunch and off to class.

Got the menu and grocery shopping for the week done.

Listened to the chillun's tales of Valentine merriment. Ooooing & Ahhhing at all the right moments.

Made Blackened Swordfish, steamed asparagus, cous cous w/ pinenuts, and an amazing shaved fennel/orange/pomegranate salad.

Held family council.

Had a rollicking good time playing a word association game (One child could only say, "poop" every time it was his turn, but at least he participated).

Listened to Cleon teach a lesson on sacrifice.

Listened to Sam read.

Tucked the children in bed with hugs & kisses.

Did dishes with Cleon and I hardly said a word. He actually talked and shared his feelings. (Those who know us know what a big deal that is)

Yeah, I'm pretty pleased with myself and thinkin' I basically have reached Goddess status. I'm enjoying it while I can and shouting it to the world because something tells me tomorrow I probably won't make it out of my pjs or off the couch...

My Valentine

Sam said HE is my Valentine

Snapshots

2011-02-12T21:45:00.004-07:00

Though I would love to have been busy doing the things bbsmum said in the comment section of my last post, my reality is much more mundane. I have continued to write multiple posts in my head (yeah, the only place I am prolific). Seeing as my computer time is limited, here are snapshots of a few:

**The frustrations and heartache of putting Aaron back in school. Aaron coming home in tears. How lost he is trying to follow what the teacher wants him to do. Watching him deflate in confidence as his teacher points out what he does wrong, more then what he does right. Seeing how much smaller he is then all his classmates and how hard it is for him to figure out the social thing.
The maddening process of going through the IEP with people who just want to focus on how big of a caseload they already have and "can't we just let him sit in the classroom for the rest of the year then figure out how to better help him next year? We are not seeing the extreme behaviors that it states he has on his previous IEP." Oh yeah, keep thinking he will figure it all out on his own and perform like the rest of the class, and you WILL see those behaviors. Even with your plan of ignoring him and expecting nothing from him, all the red flags are waving.
Spending almost everyday at the school trying to be proactive... And people say to me that they could "never homeschool, it would be to hard." Homeschooling is easier on me then helping Aaron's voice be heard with his IEP team.

**The joy and relief of how amazing Sams IEP team is. Watching Sam flourish with a teacher and Special Ed. team that is proactive, organized, positive, communicative, and all around rock stars. Sam loves school, and is sad when the weekend rolls around. Funny thing is, Sam didn't want to go back to school and Aaron is the one who begged to.

**Lots of mental posts about my engaging in a rigorous (for me) workout routine and watching what I eat. Never fail, whenever I start to be more mindful of what I eat, my food choices go rapidly downhill and my caloric intake increases...
I saw "Biggest Loser" for the first time the other night and some guy was in tears and his whole team shocked when he only lost 7 lbs. in one week. Are you kidding me? If I lost 7 lbs. in a week you would be able to hear me screaming with joy wherever you live in the world.
I hulued some other episodes and I can't imagine how that much weight loss that fast can be healthy. Maybe if I lived at the gym... but what about the "muscle weighs more then fat" thing? I'm happy for their success, but I will go on celebrating "small" victories, like being able to bend over and tie my shoes with out feeling like I just ran a marathon.

**Heartache that Rian is struggling with her health. I join in her tears as she is watching the social events, academic opportunities, or even the joy of walking in some "Spring is teasingly on it's way" sunshine, go by and she is too ill to participate. She really works hard to maintain a positive attitude, I am so proud of her and I wish we could find some answers about her health.

**reminiscing posts, for example; today I wrote one mentally while I consumed a memory. I went for a walk with the boys and something about it reminded me of my days walking from Pulaski High School to Laura Sharp Elementary School (to meet my Mom) with various friends. I thought about each of them and things came back so vividly, which is odd because I have had a hard time remembering much from High School.
At the end of our walk there was a New York style deli. A smile danced across me as I remembered the way my friends and I would sometimes stop at "Mr. Sub" during the walk from the High School.
Of course, (diet be damned) I had to taste my memory. It satiated soul more then stomach (though it sat well there too ;-) ). Then I had a thought, "Is this momentary vivid return of memories, that I thought were long gone, a sign of Alzheimer's?"

**then, of course, there are the posts about the funny things my kids (and spouse) do and say. Like a few minutes ago Sam asked, "What is 'pimping'?"
Having gained wisdom from past encounters I asked, "Use that word in a sentence you might have heard it in."
"You know, like a bird pimped her feathers."
Yeah, he meant preening. Whew, another TMI conversation averted.

I hope to be able to find some more time at the computer. In the meantime, if your psychic abilities are flowing, feel free to tune into the posts in my head.

Have you been hearing the thoughts in my head?

2011-01-28T10:57:00.000-07:00

I have written so many posts in my mind as the days have flown by, somehow I have not had the time to have them manifest into actual entries. Holidays, sick kids, putting the two boys back into school, Ri having to check out of her dream school due to illness, and working on her & I back into shape has been very time consuming.

Today, the sun is shining. My outside body does not reflect the two weeks of intense workout program I have engaged in, but the energy I feel inside manifests as a much happier Momma. Blasting the music, and off to chauffeur some kids around. Wish I had time to share all the glorious good that I am discovering amidst dark doom.

So hard to sit still as sunrays dance off the remaining snow. Ahhh, a song from my past just came on that will play me out the door with a dancin' feet and a happy heart... if I can find it quick I'll share it so you can whistle off into your day too :-)

Yuck, I don't like the video. The song is Peter Bjorn And John- Young Folks. Fun!

Lifting my arms and screaming, "Whee!"

2010-12-02T02:59:00.000-07:00

I started many posts that never got past fleeting thoughts, as life has been hitting fast and furious. I am concentrating on "enjoying the ride" and trying to figure out what lessons can be learned from all this, that is taking full time vigilance.

I have missed being able to pour out my thoughts and reflect, it is so therapeutic for me. We have been hit with winter early this year, it begs for curling up with some tea and enfolding oneself with reflection. Apparently that memo to my reality was lost somewhere.

With my baby girl still sick and other family members taking turns with needing some TLC, being able to concentrate on other things has taken a back burner. My home, that looked like it could be featured in a "Clean, Beautiful, Organized, and Tranquil Places" magazine this summer, now is better fit for an episode of Hoarders. My "everything from scratch, including nutmilks and condiments" cuisine has turned into "what package from the freezer will we open tonight?". *sigh* "To every thing there is a purpose... ", right?

It just seems like an all to familiar roller coaster, and I am really ready to stop riding it. I don't want to check out of the amusement park, just switch out the ride. One of those boat thingys that float lazily around the park in some aquatic loop sounds good. I'd even be game for that periodic squirting from the sidelines.

I am so grateful for those who hop on the ride with me for a spell, so that I can slide into you as we round the corners. Also grateful for those who wait safely on the ground watching with a mix of laughter and fascination, yet ready to support me when the ride ends. This amusement park would be no fun with out you. Many of you know my mantra, 'It's all good." I still firmly abide by it. It's just better with you there too.

Found info. hard to swallow, moved on to FOOD

2010-11-08T02:15:00.000-07:00

"It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?"
-- Winnie the Pooh

Ahhh... The sweet sense filling experience of avoidance. The warmth of the family gathered around the kitchen table. The sounds of laughter and sharing amongst the rhythm of chopping and dicing food. Onions, apples, curry, coconut, walnuts, cilantro,... bright vibrant colors releasing it's intoxicating scent to fill every corner of the home. Feeling nurtured inside and out as it tingles the tastebuds and fills the stomach. One child not finding it entirely pleasing to the taste, but he obeys the family rules*.

*Family rules for eating: Since you never know where in the world you will end up and what you will have to eat, we have a simple guideline we follow. You must take as many bites as you are old and make pretend you absolutely love it, then you may move on to a food item you desire more.

Nestling up and reading stories. The strains of el spouso and Aaron working out a song on the keyboard. For a brief moment the drumset, djembe, and didgeridoo joining in. Missing Rian's violin, but glad she feels well enough to at least be in the room. Being fed by the love that envelops us. Deep happy sighs disbursed freely.

Moving on to making popcorn on the stove with olive oil, then spraying the popped kernels with Braggs Liquid Amminos and some nutritional yeast shaken in...YUM (one of my favorites). Fresh cut up pineapple filled that sweet spot still longing to be filled.

Dishes washed. Everyone tucked into bed with foreheads kissed. I sit here basking in the residual fullness, satiated to the core. To bad I don't have canning skills, I want to preserve this forever.


My favorite Pooh Bears & I- Oct. 1999

Busy Digesting Information

2010-11-07T00:20:00.000-06:00

I received some news from the Doctor on Wednesday that I am not sure how to handle, let alone write about.

Rian is still very sick and devasted about missing so much school.

On the upside, our German daughter, Fee, has given some dates that she will arrive! The whole house is excited and July can't get here fast enough.

There were 5 in the bed, and the little one said...

2010-11-02T10:47:00.002-06:00

A king sized bed is one of the best investments we have ever made. My most treasured moments include all of us curled up in the bed. Time seems to slip away and there is this energy of serenity that feeds our souls.

Saturday and Sunday mornings seem the most common time for this event. We really needed the king sized bed when all five children were home, but someone still had to cuddle up on top of me to make it work. That practice remains in place. Rian on one side, Aaron on the other, and Sam snuggles on top. We also gather in times of sickness, sadness, and just because.

Rian has been miserably tired, achy, and with a sore throat. She has taken to snuggling next to me to get to sleep then Daddy carries her up to bed (he is not as fond of the king sized cuddle). It has been wonderful having my 14 year old University student be my little girl again. Her illness kept getting worse despite using every homeopathic and herbal remedy known, so yesterday we took her in to the Doctor. Diagnosis: Mono.

The Doctor told her it can take months to recover and she needs to rest at home for at least one week before returning to school. She is devastated. Being a top student means everything to her and she spends hours on homework and violin every night after putting in a full day at school. Upon coming home we curled up in the bed and she cried herself to sleep.

Her brothers crept in and I told them what had transpired. I told them she needs lots of rest, fresh fruits and vegetables, and she is very sad, so we need to be sensitive to that. We all lay there in the cuddle and the boys each put a hand on sleeping Rian. Aaron closed his eyes and whispered he was sending all the positive energy he had into her. My heart caught at the tenderness. They then crept back out.

When Rian awoke she found that the boys had scoured the raspberry bushes to find the very last ones of the season, just for her. They made her tea and prepared a plate of streamed vegetables. I didn't even know they knew how to do that. Rian is always our rock and like a second Mom to the boys. This is the first time they have seen her down. (She saves that for me, when they aren't around) Their compassion overwhelms me.

Last night we gathered on the bed for our evening ritual (prayer, song, we each tell something good that had happened that day and something positive we noticed a family member did, and scriptures). We ended in thoughtful silence and everyone stayed cuddled around Rian until sleep came. (Then Dad and I shuttled everyone off to their beds)

This morning I was awoken to noises overhead. In a panic I thought Rian was trying to sneak off to school when I realized that she had snuggled in next to me again during the night and was still there. I was going to check it out when the boys appeared, dressed and ready for the day. They nestled in and very proudly proclaimed, "we are ready to follow our schedule."

We had made a schedule months ago (great big family council with everyone's input and even made charts with pictures) and it has been a tearful battle to get them to even remotely acknowledge it exists. Here they were beaming and ready to go. (Of course, they have forgotten about it already a few hours into our day) What magical Mother moments the last 24 hours have produced.

Inevitably, as I finish writing this, Rian is in tears again, Aaron won't stop banging on things to see what sounds they make (much to the annoyance of Sam who is escalating in his demands for the noise to stop), and the boys decided they need me to prepare something to eat right now!

I lovingly snapped back, "I know you know how to prepare steamed veggies AND there is a ton of fruit you can eat. Just let me finish this darn post about the sweet, tender moments of Motherhood!"

Sam gently places a hand on my shoulder, "Maybe we should all just go back to bed."

A Moment

2010-10-29T19:36:00.000-06:00

I am having a "proud of myself" moment. I had to come up with a gluten and grain free, vegetarian dinner tonight since everyone's immune systems are so compromised at the moment. I am supposed to do vegan, gluten, casein, sugar free meals all the time because of allergies in the home. Today I found out one of my children needs to avoid grains for a week to accurately test him. Seriously? Here's your flavored air kids.

Since I don't have a personal chef, organizer, nanny or maid; some days the kids special diets don't get the attention they should (ie; here is your crust of rice bread and gruel). Tonight I looked around the kitchen and came up with this: chopped up; tomato, green pepper, cucumber, parsley, red onion, zucchini, celery, and some leftover roasted red beets Added some leftover fresh squeezed lime and lemon juice, balsamic vinegar, fresh crushed pepper, real salt, feta cheese, rinsed canned garbanzo beans, and some garlic stuffed green olives. Told the kids it was" Infected Eyeball and Blood Salad, and "WOOT" instant hit.

As I proudly munch on this yummy concoction, I marvel that all those fresh veggies were hanging out in my kitchen. They were a quick harvest before the frost hit gardens of friends and Gods garden (our garden that grew up when we tilled compost into the ground then forgot about it). I realize I did not reach this moment alone. I look around and see; the beautiful veggies grown and given with love, cheerful, vibrant flowers a friend brought me when she saw I was struggling, my husband doing dishes, and my children being occupied by a video thoughtfully sent by Grandma Barb and Grandpa, so that I can have this moment. My daughter is off at a Halloween party in an outfit she sewed under the guidance of a dear friend (who stepped in as her Mother for the summer). A Beatles song pops into my head, "I get by with a little help from my friends,..."

"Proud of me" turns into gratitude for all the wonderful people who bless my life. I hope you know how loved and appreciated you are. I wouldn't be able to make it without you.

My writing gets interrupted by a text from Rian, she feels too sick to stay at the party, and Aaron is getting so excited by the video that he is flapping and humming, time for ground control to alert him to the fact no one is cleared for take off... yet.

Kidisms

2010-10-28T17:50:00.000-06:00

I haven't had much time to blog but, even though the kids have been sick, they keep making me laugh. I thought I would share a few highlights:

After waking up to a raging storm, Aaron looked out the window and remarked, "I prayed for Heaven, not hail!"
(The weather has been CRAZY!)

Rian, upon learning in Health Class all the things that can go wrong with a woman's body, stated, "My eyes opened so wide I thought my contacts would pop out. I had to pick my jaw up off the floor and cross my legs, before my uterus decided to jump out and run away too. Mom, can you remind me what the positives were about being a woman?"

There were a lot more, but kidlets are crying for attention again, something about dinner...

I'll leave you with my favorite, "Mom, I discovered good hygiene can really open up doors socially."

This is My Answer

2010-10-26T00:59:00.000-06:00

This Is My Answer

When hearing from a diverse mix of people

When eating foods such as the Gabiny fruit from Western Australia

When learning Spanish as a second language

When celebrating Hanakah, Diwali, and N’cwala

When comfort and safety are not confused

When is there is no “them” only us

When we hold hands and say “guten appetit“ before our meal

When we know we are all soul-carrying humans

When we discuss the Dali Lama, God, and the universe

When we create an understanding

I finally find peace.

~My 14 year old daughter just wrote this poem for an English class. I so LOVE who she is. I just wish we were both sleeping right now...

Where am I and why am I in this handbasket?

2010-10-24T01:22:00.002-06:00

Friday was filled with: meeting the area rep for Servas, a trip to the zoo, a play about the radio broadcast of War of the Worlds, chicken soup, violin music, informing someone about rights under the disability act,
and the greatest intentions of writing each of you individually who have responded so wonderfully through the comment section, emails and phone (AND contacting those of you whose blog addresses mysteriously disappeared when I changed templates)

Saturday was filled with: running kids, Farmers Market, chilling rain, Chiropractic appointments, chores, wails due to chores, family working together to create dinner (roasted beets, sauteed chard, salt potatoes, goat cheese mix, and raspberry chipotle tofu), delightful dinner company, dishes, finding out my family is posted on an international website http://www.bourlingueurs.com/amerique-du-nord/page_05.htm looking grumpy and apparently lacking the ability to comb/pick out our hair (at least nice things were written about us- yay!)

Guess what my Grandma used to say the road to hell is paved with...

Making Soup

2010-10-22T05:13:00.004-06:00

I crawled into bed early tonight, since my pounding headache was allowing little else to occur. I awoke at 1:00 am filled with a whirling mind. Headache still in place, but with enough energy behind it to drive me up to my "have to list", I silently made my way upstairs. There sat the chicken and vegetables I had been crockpotting all day to make a soup for tomorrow. Usually our home is filled with vegan menu items and I realized another downfall of meat, if I didn't take care of this it will go bad...

I got out the strainer and big pot, scooped out the chicken onto the strainer and began the deboning, deskining, defatting process. As my hands fell into automatic and the stillness of the early am settled in around me, I began a mental blog.

A book was written. Deepest, darkest thoughts came to light, mixed with memories that hugged my soul, tiny giggles escaped my lips in defiance of the unfamiliar silence in my kitchen, tears found their way down my face as the more painful moments replayed...

I moved on to the vegetables. There was something cathartic about holding the warm celery, garlic and onions in my fists, squeezing every ounce of juice out of them. The broth falling through the strainer sent melodic tones to rebel against the soundless calm.

Sobs wracking my body caught me be surprise. Where did this overwhelming sadness come from? I had every right to be the happiest Mom on the planet. I had spent the previous day at Rian's Parent/Teacher conferences. Teachers faces lighting up as they saw her, 98.9 the lowest grade gracing her read outs, her excitement to become part of National Honor Society and the Math and Science Olympiads... Discussing with her teachers what she should get her Associates in (the program she is in has her get her Associates and High School diploma simultaneously).

One of her teachers has really given Rian's life a lot of thought. She stated, "I would just keep going at the rate you're going. You want to get medical school out of the way as fast as possible. As a woman you are faced with other factors to your decisions. Like having pregnancy/children during schooling or early career and what about when your husband gets accepted into law school on the other side of the country from where you are going to medical school?"

Wow. I keep putting energy into how to help my 14 year old daughter get through the next day. Apparently I needn't worry because she is going to medical school, and marrying and having children in her 20s with her lawyer husband. Whew, glad that's figured out. My goal for her was that she be happy, healthy, and independent. Stamp me FAIL.

My thoughts turn to Parent/Teacher conferences for my other four children, two of which are no longer in the home. School doesn't come easy for them. Life doesn't come easy for them. My heart breaks at the constant struggle to educate people about their various disorders. Fighting to allow my children to be seen for more then their "label". Seeking avenues that will give them more choices in life. Being mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially exhausted trying to understand them myself and what the best way to help them is. Being told, "I don't think you accept the fact that your child has a disability." by a person that is supposed to be his teacher and doesn't seem to want him to do more then float around in a classroom.

My involuntary sobs speak the mixed pain of throwing my hands up in the air and just letting the "experts" make some choices with my child so I could help "put out the fire" for another child's situation. The devastating results each time I have done that. The most heartrending being the fact that I have two children who I don't get to tuck in at night. Logic and many therapists tell me that it was the only choice I had if there was any hope for my sanity, marriage, and other three children. My headache pounds out, "What if...., what if...., what if..., ..."

Two of my children are home schooled now. Do I know it is the best choice for them? No. I question it every day and so do many other "helpful" souls. Am I selfishly hanging on to my two sons so I don't lose them to the "system" or early marriage to a lawyer while in medical school?

All signs of life have been completely wrung out of the vegetables, their pulp cast into the compost. The meat preserved in a neat pile, while the bones lie stripped in the waste. A rich broth fills the pot, ready to become enhanced with new additions tomorrow. It will become something new, nourishing, and delicious to the taste, no one thinking of the process that gave it the "simple" liquid beginnings.

Morning is here. My head still pounds and a promised trip to the zoo lies ahead. I am learning. Is it fast enough or too late to be the mother my children deserve? It has been a painful process to get where I am, wrung out and stripped to the bone. A song I heard earlier fills my head and takes root. I sit here to get at least some of my thoughts out, so I have room for the ingredients that will be added today.

Feedback Wanted

2010-10-19T18:45:00.002-06:00

After years of attempting to keep a journal, explore the writing world, and/or enhance my and others awareness of this existence we share, I realize that a blog may be the closest I come to either. I need your feedback.

I know there are many lurkers who never leave comments because I have Google Analytics installed. I do not write in hopes of "making it big" through blog advertising. In fact, I promise to never have those ad thingys installed. I write to share my world and hope that, in return, you share yours. Many people can experience the exact same thing but come away with a totally different perspective. I want to know how we connect and understand your view when we don't.

I have changed the looks of my blog and I actually think it is too "busy", but when I went to go back it seems my old template is gone forever. I have a poll to the side on its appearance and more comments are welcome.

I also desire your insights as to content. What brings you to my blog? What keeps you here? Are you my Mom and just want to see pictures of the kids? Did you know me once and want to see "how I turned out"? Does my writing make you laugh and /or think? Are you a creepy lurker and I need to keep a closer eye on my children? What would you like to see more of? What would you like to see less of?

This blog is still me, and who I am is constantly changing (thank goodness). I have experienced; extreme heartache and momentous joy, vibrant mental and physical health, deathbed illness and major mental breakdown, whole scale attitude of gratitude, awareness and living gently on this Earth, and really self absorbed, completely selfish behavior. I am betting so have most of you. My journey can only be enhanced by your view. I seek to understand, and to be understood. No matter where you are reading this from, we have something in common. Let's see past my poor grammar (I promise to never judge yours ;-) ) and find some bond.

I love the light each individual carries, that is why I am extremely involved in hosting travelers (see side bar). I seek your light as I make my way through the darkness. To paraphrase an old poem from some crevice of my brain, "Only YOU can shine your light, smile your smile, think your thoughts... How many have lost their way in the darkness because YOUR place on the path stood silent and hidden?"

PLEASE participate. I am looking forward to meeting you. Thanks for helping light my way.

I feel pretty. Oh so pretty...

2010-10-18T00:19:00.002-06:00

My family and I enjoyed visiting with friends, and a hiking trip in Idaho these last few days. Of course, the minute we returned home, I tumbled into bed. Lost in the haven of my king sized slumber, I awakened to two hands touching my nose. Aaron was on one side of me, and Sam the other.
"See, it looks like a strawberry."
"You're right, it has the right shape and is the perfect color."
"But where are the seeds?"
"Right there, see all those little hairs?"
"Oh yeah. Cool."
"I love Mom's skin. It is so pretty, she doesn't need makeup."
I tried to hide my pleasure at this comment since I didn't want them to know I was awake yet.
"I love the natural red on her checks and how it is broken up by all those tiny little veins."
"I love how she doesn't need to wear eye shadow. She has such nice colors on her eyelids that match the colors on that half circle underneath her eyes."
Aaron gives me a hug. "I love how cuddly Mom is."
Sam snuggles into the other side. "Yeah, she is so soft and squishy."
"Good thing we don't have one of those skinny Moms, that would feel awful."
I fell back to sleep with my two angels curled by my side and wondered what their future love interests will look like. After all, I set the bar extremely high.

Autistic Girl Expresses Profound Intelligence

2010-10-12T18:06:00.000-06:00

Profund words from an Autistic young woman

2010-10-12T10:27:00.002-06:00

*A great big thank you to Kath for teaching me how to embed it. It is now in the post above this one.*

I wish I knew how to embed this video. I can hardly see through my tears as I think of all the times I have lost patience with my children. My son is not severe, yet even with his "high functioning" diagnosis, at times I forget that some things are harder for him and I am not as loving as I should be.

As a society we are filled with labels and assumptions. Time and again we are proven WRONG. In human history we enslaved people we felt were "inferior" in intelligence and capabilities; imprisoned, tortured, and killed those of different ethnic heritage, gender, religion, sexual identity,... anything we feared to much and/or needed to exploit. Let us not keep repeating the atrocities of our past.

I would love to see humanity awaken. Instead of pushing "different" off to the side, embrace all that a new view can offer us. Not understanding something shouldn't lead to us discounting it. How much have we silenced the songs that long to cry out to us.

To quote one of my favorite bumper stickers, "Are you part of the solution or part of the problem?" I would like to think I am actively working to be part of the solution. A good hard look at myself shows I still contribute to problems. I strive to become more aware, yet many times I still find myself lost in my ignorance. I need others voices to remind me to see past my paradigm. I am so grateful that Carly found a way to share her voice, we are all the richer for it.

What erroneous notions do we nurture? What can we do to help others find their voice? What are we doing to take the time to hear them?

911

2010-10-11T13:07:00.001-06:00

This building and Fire Department no longer exists, somewhere deep inside me, that firefighter/E.M.T. in front still does. I am so thankful I had the opportunity to do this in my younger years. I served in Alaska, Ohio, New York and Utah. I gained valuable skills, experience, forever friends, and insight.
I thought I was living on the edge back then... little did I know that it was a mere step into the dangerous realms of Motherhood.
As I sit to write an introspective post, I have been interrupted by; crashing dishes, a stubbed toe, helping get a cat off the roof , looking over the kids paperwork,... I now need to get lunch on the table. Time for introspection is lost.*sigh* The life of an emergency responder.
Time to start chanting my mantra, "At least we HAD dishes to break, a roof to climb up on, food to eat, education available,... " Taking a deep breath and regaining perspective, it is all the tools I now have to keep the kids from having to call 911 ;-)

The First Step

2010-10-09T17:03:00.012-06:00

Exhausted. I had wanted so much to ignore the pleas from my children to go hiking up the canyon. My body longed to curl up in the embrace of my favorite quilt and dream about hiking. Yet here I was, a path set before me.

My body groaned in protest as I began the journey. The kids running up ahead, with my husband not far behind them. Breathing deep, I let the sun caresses my face and the gentle breeze begins to whisper renewal into my soul. The sounds of a mountain stream mingle with the music of the shivering leaves, beckoning me along.

Ahead, the joy of the children echoes to me, as the stream opens a clearing in which she can be explored.

Their contagious jubilation infects my being. My step becomes lighter as my heart races along . A tree, who had long ago given up standing tall, now lay before us begging us to discover the new direction it had taken.

She had bonded with another of her kind, who passed the touch along. In total, four trees lay to guide us through the woods and, once again, over the stream.

Triumphant in our crossing, the woods reveals a treasure.

A little safety check, and the magic continues.

Some finding balance easier then others...

The canyon magic, now in full "swing", brings to light a place to rest.

Balance is still an issue...

We know we have been crowned Kings and Queens of the forest.

It is time to make our way home.

Back across the stream...

Down the path...

The branches bow behind us. We bow back, thanking the canyon for its gifts.

I pause a moment before returning to the van, remembering my thoughts as I began this journey. It had been so hard to begin, and it is so hard to see it end. A peace permeates my soul, my husband holds my hand in silence, the children floating amongst the leaves clinging their final embrace... Magic.

How much have I missed in my life from failure to take the first step?
Begin, and the path shall be opened unto you...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As I posted this, I noticed a comment from my friend (and an incredible writer, watch for her book), Jo Schaffer. Check her out at http://jostorm.blogspot.com/ She has given me a blog award

Words can't express how grateful I am for her vote of confidence. It has been a little unnerving at times to put my thoughts out there. Yet if we stay silent, we miss the connection we may not otherwise have. Like the four trees who reached out to each other to open a path to wonder.
I am passing the award along to two people who I have never met, but whose blogs speak to my thoughts and enrich my life.
1)Kath @ Autism Herd
http://autismherd.blogspot.com/ Many days I feel we are walking the same trek, on different sides of the country. Her words shouting humor to keep the load light. Thanks Kath!
2) Taylor @ Let's Be Famous To Each Other
http://famoustoeachother.blogspot.com/ I fell into her blog by accident one day and have grabbed her hand as she eloquently shares her journey. Keep writing Taylor!

And to two I have had the pleasure of meeting, I stand all amazed at their many talents.
1) Heather @ The Daily Stitch
http://www.verymerryseamstress.com/weblog/ This woman does EVERYTHING and with full on joy.

2) Jim @ 4 Wheelers
http://4wheelinginohio.blogspot.com/ He knows how to use a camera and has captured what makes life worth living

It IS amazing where the first step can take you.

Who Knew?

2010-10-07T10:41:00.001-06:00

So that's the secret! I know the harder I work, the less attractive I feel. My husband even gets the added bonus of me greeting him at the door; sweaty, frustrated, and tearful. I thought I needed a vacation. Silly me, I just need vitamins...

TMI

2010-10-05T17:41:00.002-06:00

Sitting here at the computer while Sam sits next to me writing a paper. He gets lost in thought, then suddenly asks, "Mom, How many kinds of boobies are there?"
My mind races. How do I answer this? "Perky, saggy, pointy, plastic,..." or "A, B, C, ... cup" or "As many kinds as there are women." Why does he even want to know? I don't want to give him to much information. Maybe I should find out the context...
"Why do you want to know?"
"I was just wondering if there are more kinds then the Blue Footed Bubi."
Yeah, I would have given him too much information.

Blue Footed Bubi photo by Les Bourlingueurs

And the room stands alone

2010-10-05T13:54:00.004-06:00

Les Bourlingueurs, Marc and Gwendolyn, drove away about an hour ago. I hear the echoes of their stay, animated french dialogue still barely floating in the air. The heat of the tea kettle constantly getting renewed, is turning cold. The guest room, stripped of its warmth, stands lonely.
So many thoughts churning through my head, I hope desperately to find the time and stillness to let them out. Hans Christian Andersen said the only difference between writers and everyone else, is they take the time to write their thoughts down. Time does not wait for my thoughts to catch the paper.
I have begun to use my sad little camera, it seems a poor substitute for the pictures my heart takes. I must learn to not let the lens limit me, rather become an extension of my vision. It is a work in progress...

They arrived in their 4x4, it became part of their family in France, and has taken them all over the world.

They mark the map on the side as they go, notice it currently ends at our house :-)

We offered a room in which they could work on their website undisturbed.

We enjoyed meals together. Marc took the above photo.

We heard stories and saw a slide show of their travels. THEY know how to take a picture.

Marc joined us for a walk in the woods. That story is the next posting :-).

Their window decal says it all.

They are now a part of our family, and pieces of our heart go with them. We are saving our pennies to join them in France, or maybe even on the road. ; -)

http://bourlingueurs.com

Friday Fun

2010-10-02T00:33:00.002-06:00

Since we have wonderful guests who (understandably) would like to NOT travel for a few days, we decided to stay at home. The boys learned about Picasso, Hokusai, Cole, Rousseau, Van Gough, Klee, Matisse, and Chagall. Than they set to work on their own creations.

Sams art piece, "I Love Mom"

Sam really got into his art

"Finished! Oh wait, you mean there is another side?"

Sam used syringes, brushes, fingers, toothbrushes and sponges for his masterpieces Here he is shooting a syringe filled with paint across the "canvas"

Aaron had a landmark day. As many of you know, he has sensory issues and wears pants, socks and shoes year around. I told him to stretch his creative talents by going barefoot and wearing shorts. The initial struggle almost broke my heart. I was rewarded by seeing my son feel the grass under his feet, even graduate to stepping in the paint to make a footprint. Yes, he washed up immediately and the first thing he did when done painting was put back on pants, shoes, and socks. However, he stated that it was "not as bad as I thought" and I have high hopes of a repeat performance. It helped that he got lost in his work. He took his art very seriously and titled his, "Portrait of Three Suns"

"Finished! Oh wait, one more touch is needed. I want to see what the sponge does."

Second installment finished!

My two favorite artists! (Though Sam is mad at me because I did not have his artwork right side up)

It was a beautiful day. We finished with watching a slide show of our guests 18 months traveling through South America. We now all wish to squeeze into their duffle bags and stow away in their Landrover. More on the insights I have gained from them later. It is way past my bedtime. Farmers Market tomorrow, Woo Hoo!

Little Red Truck

2010-09-29T15:45:00.003-06:00

See Little Red Truck.
Hear Little Red Truck sigh.
Little Red Truck refuses to make anymore sound.
Little Red Truck likes the parking lot of the Elementary School.
Look, Little Red Truck will not move.
Silly Little Red Truck.

See Big White Van.
Big White Van likes to go.
Go, Big White Van, go.
Look, Big White Van picks up Daddy.
Look, Big White Van picks up Sister.
Look, Big White Van goes to the store.
Look, Big White Van goes all around the town.
See Big White Van sit in traffic.
Silly Big White Van.

See Mommy.
Mommy is grumpy.
She thinks she should have time to get things done.
We better not talk about her anymore or she will turn purple and rip our heads off.
Silly Mommy.

Thank you for Serving

2010-09-28T10:57:00.001-06:00

A couple of "Field-trip Friday"'s ago, we had the privilege of going to "The Moving Wall" http://www.themovingwall.org/ , it is a half size replica of the Vietnam Memorial in D.C. . The boys have been greatly touched, as we have studied world history, by the complexity of war. They have learned of the big picture (government causes, religious fervor, land, etc...) and we have worked to see reasoning from each sides stand point. They have also taken it to detail; learning of towns, individuals, environmental impact,... faces and landscapes to the history.

We have attended many events from various political standpoints. One that seems to have really made an impression is the annual flag burning ceremony here in town. The boys don their scout uniforms and aid the military (there has been different branches) in a very formal ceremony. They have listened intently to the speakers. Somewhere they heard, "Whenever you see a member of the military, past or present, please remember to thank them for their service." They have taken that to heart.

When they see someone in uniform, or it comes out in conversation that someone has served or is serving, a look of reverence comes over their face. They extend their hand and respectfully say, "Thank you for serving." There have been many tears and wonderful stories by this simple act. The Moving Wall brought it to a whole new level for us all.

It started as we entered. We were directed to a tent to find names of loved ones. When we said we knew of no one who would be on the wall, one of the volunteers asked the boys why they are there. "To put names to the sacrifice, and honor their life." was Aarons response. He then noticed the hat implying the man was a veteran, and extended his hand, "Thank you for your service." Tears and surprise sprung to the mans face.

The boys quickly noticed jackets, hats, pins, etc... that suggested those who have served or are serving. They went to work. The response was overwhelming. They are careful to never ask about things unless the person seems to want to talk (Aaron and Sam both know of PTSD and said they do not want to trigger anything that might cause one to relive fear.). They were greeted with; stories from every conflict from World war II on, tears, smiles, shock, and lots of sincere "Thank YOU young man."

Veterans noticed what they were doing and it seemed as if they were almost lining up. They volunteered, "I served too." One man said, "When I came home from Vietnam I was spit on and garbage was thrown on me, I can't tell you what this means." Tears welled up in his eyes and he hurried off. Others shared how they came in the wee hours of the morning to relive it and cry by the names of their friends. The boys heard stories from some who are fighting the effects of Agent Orange. Once, the sun was in Sams eyes and he put his hand to his head to block it. A man was coming towards him. He saluted Sam and said, "Son, thanks for the salute, it means a lot."

A quiet, young man kept watching us. One of the boys asked, "Did you serve too?"
"Yes, in the gulf war and in Iraq."
"Thank you for your service."
He turned towards the wall and his shoulders shook.

We made our way home passing the tent where we started. Aaron said, "Thank you for your time and helping people find the names of their loved ones." Sam did a very serious and formal bow to the table of veterans.I laughed. I immediately felt stupid because no one else thought it was funny (I didn't, with a moment of reflection, either) The men, many World war II veterans, bowed their heads back.

As we walked towards home, I noticed the quiet, young man from earlier was working to keep step with us. He seemed to want to say something. Sadness and pain oozed from him. We turned on the outside walkway and he hesitated. His shoulders drooped further and with a longing glance in our direction, he turned away.

I realized that I hadn't said anything. I even laughed at Sam. I wondered what pain the young man wanted so badly to be free of. A bigger part of me didn't want to know. The scars are real, and forever. I wish I could tell you a rushed over, hugged the young man, and thanked him. Or did something to help the pain he carried... I didn't, and the moment is gone.

There are individuals at all steps, on all sides. Sons, daughters, fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, ... No matter how we feel about the politics. Look into the eyes of the people. Hear their stories. I have taken to joining my sons as they shake hands. My life is forever changed. For those who I missed, thank you for your service.

Most difficult thing in the world

2010-09-27T14:04:00.000-06:00

Whatever you do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it... Thinking is easy, acting is difficult, and to put one's thoughts into action is the most difficult thing in the world. --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Especially when it comes to cleaning my house... *sigh* double post today, it is called avoidance.

"Dude, He's AWESOME."

2010-09-27T09:33:00.002-06:00

The boys breakfast conversation.
"Did you know that a meteorite is passing closer to the earth then the MOON is?!"
"Yep."
"Aren't you scared?"
Starts singing "It's the end of the world as we know it", they both sing it and do a brief wiggle dance at the table.
"No, I'm not scared. I'll get to see Him."
"You mean Jesus?"
"Yeah."
"The kids back in the day were SO lucky, they got to hang with Him."
"Maybe we will get to too."
"I hope so, 'cause ... well...dude, He's AWESOME."

Field-trip Friday- Tracy Aviary

2010-09-26T16:59:00.002-06:00

The boys and I have started "Field-trip Friday".This week we went to Tracy Aviary, because the boys had won free passes. I actually remembered to bring a camera to this one.

They learned about different eggs. Here they see a Tinamou egg.

Kidlet has been refusing to do his hair, so I asked the Conures to help out.

At one point, five Sun Conures had flown to perch on my out stretched arm while I tried to take pictures with the other. They really seemed to love the camera.

The boys thought it was great they could go to Argentina without a passport!

The hornbills were their favorite.

They got a lot of one on one attention, since most kids are in school. They helped the trainer with his presentation on adaptations by feeding the emu.

It was a beautiful day in so many ways. Sometimes I am not sure about home schooling, but opportunities like this can not happen in the classroom. The kids learned so much and built some wonderful memories.

Idaho!

2010-09-07T10:40:00.005-06:00

Our friend, Tim, and the boys, in our living room

So much for having more time for my blog, the last entry was over a year ago. Rather then bore you with catching up ;-) let's just start with this morning.

Aaron awoke cheerfully greeting everyone, "Idaho!" None of us really knew how to respond to that. I was frantically wondering if he thought we had promised some sort of trip today.

His gleeful demeanor started to rapidly fall away. By the time we had gathered for our daily morning council he was almost in tears. When we went around to see if there was anything we needed to address as a family, Aaron raised his hand, "I am gravely disappointed in all of you. I think you have all forgotten the Japanese we learned from our friend Tim."

We were all confused and asked him to explain further. "I greeted you all with a cheerful 'Good Morning' in Japanese and not one of you responded appropriately."

We couldn't help but laugh (which made him angry) because the words he meant to say would sound like, "Ohio". Now that we know what his cheery, "Idaho" greeting is all about, don't be surprised if you get welcomed with those words at our home.

Does anyone know if saying, "Idaho" has any meaning in Japanese? We don't want to get into trouble :-).

Hello stranger

2009-08-25T08:10:00.002-06:00

The kids are back in school and I might even be able to start updating this blog.
It was a chaotic summer filled with a roller coaster ride of fun.
It was wanting to capture this morning that has caused me to write again. Everyone got off to work and school with no yelling OR tears. We had time to share a spiritual thought around the table and have family prayer. Everyone had a nice breakfast (made to order) and a healthy lunch packed (I know it will probably end up in the garbage can at school but I did my part). I even actually have some energy to go accomplish some things after that feat.
Dad drove the boys to school and they each kissed me as they walked by. I waved out the door and they waved back until we could no longer see each other. No, I was not perfectly coiffured, manicured, and made up; nor was I wearing a dress with a cute little apron. (If you really need a visual, picture bedhead, unshowered, T shirt on inside out and backwards, a tie dye skirt pulled on 'cause it was by the bed) BUT it was as close to "made for 50's tv sitcom family" as you're gonna get around here. *sigh* It makes my Momma heart swell.
Now I might actually shower, but there is no way in hell that I will smilingly do the dishes. There is a possibility that I will dance with the vacuum cleaner...

2009-03-25T22:51:00.003-06:00

I thought this was quite funny, but when I showed my dear husband he didn't seem to see the humor...

Umm...Thank you?

2009-03-25T07:29:00.002-06:00

Someone was chatting away with me yesterday when she stopped mid sentence, looked at me hard, then said, "You know, you're actually kind of pretty."

Truer words were never spoken

2009-03-23T08:15:00.002-06:00

My son was reading a message to me over my shoulder. In part it stated that I am, "an island of sanity (or insanity) in this dark world". Aaron wanted to know what "sane and insane" meant.

After explaining it to him he thought for a second, patted me on the shoulder, got a very serious look on his face and stated, "I think you walk the line."

I am NOT wonder woman

2009-03-10T09:23:00.005-06:00

You might have noticed a slight blogging absence. I have even been silent on facebook (*gasp*). Yesterday and today are the first days I have not formally worked in awhile. Jumping into the full time job sphere along with trying to maintain family cohesiveness has completely worn me out.

I am off to work by 7:20 after making sure; Jane has been let out and fed, all the kids have had breakfast, are dressed, have their lunches and Rian has made it to early morning percussion group. Cleon has been an amazing partner in helping the morning madness to go smoothly.

At the end of the school day I am off to pick everyone up from school, get them to their various places of lessons and practice, make a wholesome homemade meal, help with homework, give quality cuddle time to all, laundry, dishes, evening activities,... lately we have had at least 3 extra people over for dinner each night.

Yesterday I got around to doing the shopping for the week at 11:30 p.m. , after putting all the groceries away I was able to tumble into bed by 1:00 a.m. Needless to say updating my blog has kind of slipped in my list of priorities.

Rian has been expressing frustration lately as to how other kids seem to juggle being involved in various actives, maintain a 4.0 and never seem to be exhausted. Rian has received a 4.0 for the third term in a row, is still doing violin, voice and percussion, was selected to represent her school for a state math competition, was just selected as first bass for the summer performance drum line, and is writing a novel. She has been doing the testing and practicing to get into all honors classes, Jazz band, and Utah Valley Youth Symphony next year. She had a break down yesterday because she has to go tell the track coach she will not be able to do track (it conflicts with the drumline schedule). She has not been able to go to the farm and is feeling tearful and exhausted while adding more to her plate all the time. I had to give her a lecture about making priorities, "time and a season for everything", and not comparing herself to others.

As I tucked her in I realized I need the same lecture. I keep comparing myself to these Wonderwomen who appear to be able to do it all. I stand in awe of them (I am thinking of a certain historical dress making, writing, painting, hiking, jogging, taking college classes, cooking from scratch, drawing, outdoor enthusiast, blogging, organized clean homemaker, wonder mom,... who does it all with smiles and humour). I think I will call myself successful if; I can find things in a reasonable amount of time, my house is vermin free, there is a clean plate to eat off somewhere, the kids at least have clean underwear, and my family knows how much they are loved.

I am still working on being that successful. I know there are some bills I need to pay in one of these piles that surround me. Let's see if I find them "in a reasonable amount of time"...

P.S. We are still working out the legal end of things but we have been asked if we are willing to expand our family again. We have been meeting with the young man and our family has counciled together and agreed to undertake what is needed to give this child a home. PLEASE keep him and all of us in your prayers. He is in a horrible situation and needs a safe home. (Even if it is as scattered and crazy as ours)

Just saying Hello

2009-03-02T01:51:00.002-07:00

Trying to balance working and homelife is still under construction. To give you an idea of how work is going; tomorrow I can't go to work because I have a dentist appointment, and I have never been so excited to go to the dentist...

The Son shone today

2009-02-19T23:10:00.005-07:00

I stayed up all night last night reading. The morning came way to soon and I found Jonathan curled up next to me. As we lay there with our eyes deep in protest at any attempt to unglue them from their closed positions, we listened to the rest of the house get ready for school and work. Somehow we managed to convey that the rest of the world must go on without us and we soon found ourselves in the silence of an emptied house.
We greeted the day slowly and I savored every moment of my time with my baby boy. There is much I want to share, remember, and laugh with you about but the time grows late so I must just wrap most of the day in my heart to be taken out as more time allows.
A few highlights:
At one point I was in the shower and he had brought a stack of books to read in the hallway until I got out. I hear his sweet voice call out, "Mom?!?"
"Yes?"
"What does sincere mean?"
"Umm, truly, you really mean it, honest..."
"So what does it mean when the song says, 'when you held me near, you were so sincere...' ?"
"Maybe that she really wanted to be near him, her love was honest and true... "
"I love you sincere Mom."

Later we were in the grocery store and we ran into some people we hadn't seen in a long time. They asked Jonathan how old he was and when he said , "six".
They asked, "why aren't you in school?"
I quickly replied we had both been feeling a little sick that morning but were better now.
Jonathan tugged on the mans arm and beckoned his wife closer. As they leaned into him he loudly whispered, "I was really feeling just fine but I wanted to stay home and make sure my Mom was going to be alright. I need to treat her right. I don't want to lose that girl."

Have I mentioned he is now listening to the Beatles for his bedtime CD? I am liking the influence.

In my Head

2009-02-18T09:39:00.003-07:00

I have had the privilege of being a temporary Jr. High band teacher lately. The only problem is, I have no idea what I am doing.
I called upon my strengths and had the kids take turns leading and demonstrating what their sections should sound like. It has been pretty successful so far.
It works out so much better in my head. In my head, when someone is struggling I pick up the instrument and am able to demonstrate/teach perfectly what needs to be done. In my head, when the students first language is not English, I am able to converse with them flawlessly in their native tongue. In my head, each child respects each other and is patient with their own and others shortcomings. In my head, each person I encounter is able to see the treasure that they are. In my head, they have the confidence to shine their light and be aware that this is just a small part of the journey. In my head, the individuals, the class and the world are letting Earth changing music flow through them and bring us together.
I wish we could just all fit in my head.

Youthful Ignorance

2009-02-12T20:57:00.006-07:00

Life has been crazy busy, and tonight was spent lovingly screaming at my children to finish their @#*^#@! Valentines. Aaron pouted, 'This is an awful lot of work, all they care about is the candy anyway, no one reads cards anymore." For some reason it reminded me of one of my worst Valentines EVER.
In my youthful innocence as a 21 yr old single gal living in a remote fishing village in Alaska, I thought it would be a good idea to cheer everyone up by sending them a Valentine. I sent out 50 homemade Valentines to people I thought could use some cheer.
Then I couldn't figure out why all of a sudden these guys were asking me over and getting all romantic on me... It slowly dawned on me as they started thanking me for the Valentines and saying things like, "I didn't know you felt the same way about me, I wanted to ask you out but you never let on that you liked me before..."
I ended up kissing half the village 'cause I felt guilty for the cards being misinterpreted (I thought I at least owed them a quick kiss... some of the nastiest kiss memories of my life). I don't know why it didn't occur to me that I could just explain it was an innocent Valentine that was sent in replica to 49 other people.
I still shake my head at me when I think about it...
Yuck, I now have to go brush my teeth and use copious amounts of mouthwash too...

Grounded

2009-02-09T13:31:00.001-07:00

I have grounded myself from the computer until I get my long list of "have tos" done. Starting right now

URGH!

2009-02-06T11:31:00.003-07:00

I have spent the morning dealing with possible identity theft. (My husband and sons) I have now done every proactive thing I have been made aware of and get to just "wait and see". In the past 24 hours, 3 neighbors have shared their stories of identity theft with me and I am now truly a paranoid mess.
Though I choose to live my life joyful and trusting, I am not blind to what humans are capable of. We managed rental properties for awhile, talk about a wake up call to the depths of degradation the human race can go to... I have found more irreparable, immoral, unethical acts done by our so called, "good, religious, affluent Americans" then I care to recite or dwell on.
I am working on returning to a joyful state but right now I have had a week of; sick kids, sick me, being the neighborhood free daycare/bus service, identity theft, a broken washing machine, being asked if I was an 78 year old mans (I assist him in getting around town) girlfriend, AND I started a diet. I would avoid me for awhile...

May they never "grow up"

2009-02-05T09:04:00.003-07:00

I love picking my kids up at the elementary school. I get to sit there and watch the kids for quite awhile since "son 1" is usually the last one out.
I love the expressiveness and total disregard of any self editing. Nose picking, handholding, cartwheeling, singing, punching, crying, giggling BEING that the children are. It is better then any theater performance I have ever been too.
I laugh and cry at the view from my van. I wonder, at what age do we forget how to be so alive?

Preaching to the Choir

2009-02-04T08:56:00.004-07:00

I have spent the last 48 hours on a viral weight loss program. My, already under weight, child has now joined in full force. I have absolutely nothing currently entertaining to report. So I will share one of my lifes more memorable moments.

Having five children, four of whom have educational and medical files on them so huge they get packed around in a crate, I am used to actively advocating for their needs.

When the elementary school got a new principal I set up a meeting so we can get to know each other and work together to best benefit the children. My children, when viewed through the eyes of their files, usually get two reactions. 1) They got babied so much that they learn absolutely nothing and poor behavior gets excused or 2) It is decided that they just need to be treated like everyone else and do things exactly like the rest of the class. Both methods cause frustration (for everybody) and rapidly lead to meltdowns (usually the teacher is the first to have one).

So I entered the office with the new principal sitting behind the desk. Introduced myself and started presenting my philosophy on how I prefer the children should be worked with and to make clear that I will be available every step of the way if needed, but me being a "helicopter parent" wouldn't benefit them either. I ended my presentation with the example;

"There is a group of kids on the bleachers and a new P.E. teacher comes in and says they all need to go run the length of the football field. The P.E. teacher notices, after the rest of the kids are off and running, that there is a boy left who is struggling to just get off the bench because he does not have the use of his legs. The P.E. teacher then reacts one of two ways. He either excuses the child from the activity completely or demands he finds a way to make his legs work and run down the field like everyone else.
Both options hurt the child immensely and benefit no one. BUT if the teacher where to say, "I still need you to go the length of the football field, how you do it is up to you but it still needs to happen." The child then learns to find ways of adapting, being a part of the class, and seeing that anything is possible.
That is how I want my children to be treated, DO NOT excuse poor behavior or put limits on them due to a "disability" but make them do the length of the field allowing them to do things a little differently."

The principal looked at me funny. Then proceeded to be the most delightful school administrator I have ever worked with. We discussed all the options for the children, had them come in and meet him and I was overjoyed to have such a proactive advocate now leading the school.

It came time to leave and the secretary asked him to come out and talk with some people in the main office. Imagine my surprise (and embarrassment) when he reached down to pick a crutch off the floor behind his desk and use it to manipulate himself into a wheelchair that had also been hidden behind his desk. My mouth dropped open, "I didn't know."

He laughed and said, "I didn't think you did. It was having parents like you who made it possible for me to be where I am today. I just want you to know it is refreshing to hear a parent not making excuses for their child. I too, believe no matter what the "disability" a person can find a way to do what they need to do."

Spoken Like a True Connoisseur

2009-02-02T07:42:00.004-07:00

Aaron and Jonathan were just discussing the various drinks the world has to offer and how they are made. For example:

Jonathan: Apple juice?
Aaron: wrung out apples.

Jonathan: orange juice?
Aaron: squeezed oranges.

Jonathan: wine?
Aaron: Tormented grape juice.

He got mad that we were all laughing so hard. He explained the fermentation process and asked what was so funny about that. "It is just artfully aging, there is nothing funny about aging. Ask Mom."

Today's morning lesson was how to enunciate fermented so it doesn't come out like tormented.
As Aaron pointed out, aging can cause both.

My children continue to educate me

2009-01-30T08:29:00.004-07:00

My nine year old is heartbroken by Fees return to Germany (as we all are) and spent awhile in my arms last night talking about the loss he has experienced in his short little life.

He said, " It is like with a pair of jeans with a hole in the knee, if you sew up the tear, when it rips again it is even bigger. When M and A had to leave our home it tore a big hole in my heart. I managed to mend it. When Scout died it tore again. I patched it. When Princess left, the rip got bigger and I sewed it up really well. With Fee leaving, it has ripped open the tear so much that I don't think there is enough left to fix it. At what point do you throw the jeans away?" He also brought up William, Grandma Lawrence and Grandpa Jim.

His "wise beyond years" analogy brought tears to my eyes. We had a beautiful discussion about never throwing your heart away. The heart is much more complex then a pair of jeans. If we throw our heart away then we have made ourselves dead to the beauty of life. That would be a disservice to those who had gone. We must keep them alive and honor them by embracing the art of being. Part of being is allowing yourself to get lost in the pain, then embracing the cleansing tears, honoring the process, never forgetting to keep the cycle going by full on loving again.

"Just think of all we would of missed if we had thrown our heart away and not had Fee enter our home. What do you think is worse, to have never had the privilege of Fee in our lives or the pain of her physical absence?" At first he wasn't sure what was worse, he finally decided that it was better to have had her in his life.

He is such a sensitive young man. I hope he never loses his ability to love so fully, deeply, and nonjudgmentaly. It makes me mad when I see people respond to him by his labels, or when I see mothers of other autistic children place limitations on what their children can accomplish 'cause somebody wrote a definition and others feel the need to use it to categorize. I am getting off on a different rant. I am just so thankful that I have the privilege of having a child in my home that offers me such unique perspectives on life. I feel sorry for those who just see him as "damaged".

I then went to tuck my 6 year old into bed. He had a thoughtful look on his face and said, "Did you know our body is kind of like a church?" I settled in for the privilege of another deep discussion.
"Was somebody talking to you about how to treat your body with respect? Did you hear your body is a temple?"
He just looked at me funny and said, "I just meant because we have organs."

Mean ole Mama

2009-01-29T08:39:00.002-07:00

Evidently I am to happy, therefore making me "the worst Mom ever". I woke up with a song on my lips and that wonderful feeling in which the soul is so aware that it is ready to burst out of the physical body and embrace the world.
However, some of my children were determined to wake up muttering and shaking their fist at the very air that surrounded them. I sympathized, and assisted in getting them all ready for school. My cheerfulness was an irritating factor to their state of mind and they left the house with, "I am so mad that you laugh and smile so much. I hate the hugs and kisses. I didn't want a hot breakfast, I just wanted cereal. I can't believe you won't let me wear shorts in 20 degree weather. I am going to tell my friends that I have the worst Mom ever."
I am pretty sure Child Services are on their way over.

The Inhale story (see last post)

2009-01-27T10:14:00.004-07:00

So yesterday I was good and did my Tai Chi again. (Currently the sun salute does me in too Taylor. I am working back up to it with Tai Chi for Seniors :-). ) Jonathan joined me and was becoming noticeably agitated. I paused the DVD to find out the source of his discomfort.
"I just wish he would stop saying naughty words Mom."
I was baffled. I couldn't think of a single "naughty word" in the program (trust me I have it memorized). I asked him to tell me what he had heard but his eyes just got wide and he refused to say it. The biggest one that bothers him is when people use the Lords name in vain, so I asked if that was it (but I couldn't think of a single place on the DVD that is done, but maybe I missed some senior groaning out in prayer in the background). He shook his head no.
So I said we would start the program over and when he hears the word let me know. As soon as the program started he squeals, "there it is, again, and again. Make him stop swearing."
All that Karl Romaine (or however you spell it) was saying was, "Inhale, exhale." over and over (see how strenuous it is). I said, "What do you hear him saying?"
After much prodding he whispered, "you know, hell"
After choking back my laughter we had a lesson on how inhale, exhale, and hell are spelled. Then we looked up the meanings in the dictionary.
My inhale, he got some education after all yesterday.
P.S. Did you know the second definition of exhale in the Merriam-Webster dictionary is, "to give or pass off in the form of vapor" ? Gives a whole new meaning to my workout...

Presentation is Everything

2009-01-27T09:41:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I was apparently having a bad day.

I woke up feeling pretty good and my daughter burst into the room wanting to know if I will make her a special breakfast. She stopped short, reeled back in horror, saying, "You look awful and should go back to bed." Of course she amended that to , "after you fix me breakfast."

Jonathan was running late for school so Daddy drove the carpool while I helped Jonathan finish dressing. He leaned into me and exclaimed, "You smell like an old toot!" He started to become very distressed by his perceived fact and said he, "will not be able to go to school without snuggling with you first, but I will not snuggle with an old toot."

After a long discussion about him going to school (a story in and of itself), he ended up staying home from school (he called the school himself to say, "I successfully won an argument with my Mom and am staying home today."). Before any of you comment on my lack of parenting skills or call the authorities...For the record, he loves school and he has only missed 3 days this school year due to traveling or illness. So I caved in to a "mental health day".

Jonathan then appointed himself my official fragrance master. Before I stepped into the shower he had to sniff every shampoo, conditioner, body wash, deodorant, lotion and perfume in the house. (We have a ton). After making his selections he handed them all over to me so I could commence in my olfactory makeover.

When I had finished the transformation he did a full body inhale (oh that reminds me of another Jonathan story) and pronounced me suitable snuggle material. So we did.

I had a lot of running around to do that afternoon and every time someone got within sniffing range I would get comments like, "You smell like a really yummy fruit dessert". Better then an "old toot" I guess.

Simple Joys

2009-01-24T17:02:00.003-07:00

Jonathan brings a lot of laughter into my world. We stopped to get a pizza after returning from California and he was my escort into the restaurant. At the counter was a tray of wrapped toothpicks. I turned to Jonathan and asked, "Would you like your very own toothpick? Complete with fancy wrapping."
Jonathan eyes grew wide and his face broke into a look of incredulity, " A toothpick of my very own?!? Wow, thanks Mom. Your the best!" He picked up a toothpick as if it was made of gold and cradled it in his hands as rapture played over his whole being.
The girl on the other side of the counter couldn't contain her laughter. I replied completely deadpan, "Wouldn't you be happy with your very own toothpick? In my house we have to share."
I turned with my pizza to find a crowd of people behind us. There was a wonderful mix of laughter and disgust. It was all I could do to keep a straight face until I left the building.Upon reaching the outside I burst out in full on chortling.
Jonathan looked up into my eyes then slipped his hand into mine, "I love that you are so happy Mom."
"It is because you are in my life son, you bring me joy."
He gave a happy sigh, "Yeah, and I get to have my very own toothpick."

Just wondering

2009-01-23T10:56:00.002-07:00

Is it a bad sign when 15 minutes of "Tai Chi for Seniors" has me winded ?

Also, can I count doing dishes as a service to my husband since I should do them anyway but he always ends up doing them because he hates dirty dishes in the sink and I always leave them? (I have a goal to do an out of the routine act of service for my spouse everyday... it is still just a goal not a reality)

I must temporarily bid adieu

2009-01-14T08:42:00.006-07:00

Fee returns to Germany on the 20th, but I am not thinking about that right now. We are very aware that the poor girl did not get to see much of the U.S. so we felt the need to take her somewhere before she goes.

Since our Seattle trip got canceled (a heartbreak that caused much angst) Fee said she would like to put the money she had saved for that to go to a place where she can see palm trees. If I would drive her, she will cover the gas.

Oh the torture and sacrifice of heading to the beach of sunny, snowless, southern California while the snow glistens so beautifully around me. I tear myself away from this winter wonderland for the sake of the children.

I will be thinking enviously of my blessed family and friends who get to continue to wrap themselves in the blanket of cold that reaches into the bones, who will enjoy the exercise of shoveling snow... only to have the plow come by so they can do it again, and that wonderful sensation of nosehairs turning to icicles.

Pray for me as I sit in the sand of a place whose weather forecast calls for 0 percent of precipitation and 72 degrees. Having to endure a condo right on the beach in the deserted off season loneliness...

I will miss you all and promise to report when I return.

My negligence of others crosses realms

2009-01-12T08:55:00.009-07:00

I have always lived in older homes with people who keep odd hours. Somewhere along the line I learned to ignore the strange sounds and misplaced objects that seem to be the side effect of both. Ever since we moved into this house 5 years ago, I have joked that we have a poltergeist. With 5 children in the home, many of whom were working on overcoming challenges, missing things and strange noises are to be expected. Every family with young children that I know of has a "Mr. Nobody".

Strangely though, as the children were getting older (we have only 4 in the home now), the sounds and missing objects had actually increased. I still paid it no heed, older children come with their share of noises too and the house isn't getting any younger. Then the last few weeks became quite eventful.

I would hear scrapping over my bed at night and have always thought it is one of the kids getting up going to the bathroom or getting into a midnight playing session. I realized, as it awoke me again when all the boys were gone for the holidays and no one was upstairs, that that theory wasn't going to work. I shrugged my shoulders and went back to sleep. By the third night I just yelled, "Knock it off, I'm trying to sleep." The noises stopped for the night.

Not only was there still the constant stream of misplaced objects, a new level was also added. I would go to the pantry to get objects for dinner I know we had and it would not be there. I would look everywhere but none of the items could be found. I would ask the ones in the home most likely to move things like canned goods but no one knew anything. I wondered if I left bags at the grocery store or if dementia was settling in. I had three instances of entering the pantry and the items I had scoured the house for previously, would be smack in the middle of the floor!

It all came to a head Friday when I was taking a shower in the stillness of my deserted home (all were at work and/or school). The bathroom temperature reflected the cold outside. The water was turned to a blissful scald that I hoped would, at the very least, help me to thaw out. As I arched myself deeper into the cascading warmth I heard a "pop" and a bar of soap fell in front of me. I thought, "maybe one of the kids stuck this to the ceiling somehow and the heat/cold contrast made it fall down." It would have had to have been a long time ago. The only bars of soap we had in the house was in a cabinet under the sink gathering dust. I hoped I would notice if there had been a large bar of soap stuck to the ceiling.

Then another idea struck and I laughingly called out, "Thanks for the help but nowadays we use something called body wash. Bar soaps are too messy." I swear I heard an almost audible sigh of disappointment. So I added, "You shouldn't be in here when I am showering. I would like some privacy please." My laughter was cut short when the bathroom door opened and shut!

I turned off the water and peeked out. Did I just have some sort of home invasion and told the culprit to give me some privacy? I loudly made pretend I was calling the police on my cell phone. (In reality I didn't have a cell phone in my bathroom, I will from now on) I spent forever opening the door cautiously and looking around the house (cell phone now in hand). I discovered no intruders and all my doors were still deadbolted from the inside. So even if Cleon had come home, (another theory) he couldn't have bolted the doors from the inside.

Calling out to the emptiness of my home I said, "O.K. You got me, I was scared." I heard a chuckle!

Ever since then there has been no scrapping over my bed at night, absolutely no unidentified noises, and no misplaced items even shoes (If you have been following my blog you know that missing shoes is an issue in my home).

All I can think of is, for the last five years, we have had the most frustrated poltergeist in the world.

O.K the chuckle was probably Jane our dog. She does this bark thing in her sleep that sounds like laughter. It cracks me up, right after I jump out of my skin when I am alone in the house. BUT Jane does not have the ability to throw soap or open and close doors.
Some other ideas:The breeze created by my massive body bending to pick up the soap could have somehow open and shut the door. My neighbor could of snuck into my house and borrowed food, then when they came to replace it they just put it in the middle of the room since they forgot where they got it from... I personally just like the poltergeist idea.

Interrupted

2009-01-09T10:23:00.002-07:00

For the first time all year I did not have to drive to 3 schools this morning. The Dad of one of the kids I drive said he will take over the Jr. High and Elementary run on Fridays.

While still in my pjs I took the highschoolers to school then returned to send the elementary crew out the door to the carpool Dad. I turned up my music and started into my to do list. I was so happy that I closed my eyes and started rocking out dancing around my living room. In the middle of "Hands Down" by Dashboard Confessional I opened my eyes to see Carpool Dad standing at the door watching me with tears of laughter rolling down his face. Turns out he came back to make sure we had each others numbers to coordinate the drives.

I am not so happy with my large windows at that moment. I am happy that he did not show up during some of my more questionable songs, and that I was wearing something.

Trying to fight genetics

2009-01-08T10:18:00.005-07:00

I loved the comments on my last post and have come to a couple of conclusions:

Due to MaryLynns comment (she is a biological Aunt) I have determined the book thing is genetic

Shannons comment touched the very soul of my husband and I think they should start a spousal support group. Such sage wisdom, advice, and logic apparently does not translate in my brain :-) (though it made me laugh, you are quite clever Ms. Shannon, you would have to be to keep my bro. in line ) My spouse and children have all discovered the function of a book mark. I, apparently, can not seem to grasp the technology. I have heeded your advice to cut down the resolution list and I love the one word idea! I will have to do it next year.

Andrea, I should not have been driving yesterday. In my status of sleep deprivation, when it registered it was you I was turning in front of I almost stopped the van to get out and hug you. I so enjoyed my brief glimpse and I will try not to cause a major accident when I see you again :-).

So here is what I am still keeping on the list:

1) Go to bed by 9:30 every night unless it is some special occasion, then my curfew is midnight

2) Exercise at least 15 minutes everyday

3)Learn to put a book down

I was going to comment last night but it was 9:27 and I didn't want evidence that I wasn't getting ready for bed. I was in bed by 9:45 which is a really good start for me :-). I did get sucked into facebook today so I need to sign off or the flies will start swarming around me :-). I love you my dear, clever family and friends!

New Year Resolutions

2009-01-07T11:37:00.003-07:00

Last night I was helping someone until almost 11:00 (yes, pm) by the time I got home I was more then ready to go to bed BUT I picked up a book Rian has on her 'want to read list' (I don't believe in ever banning a book, so I read first whatever she wants to read then we discuss it). My dear brothers (and their spouses too, unless the bros have conquered this trait) knows what happened next.

I have an affliction. I can not start a book and set it down, I have to read it in one sitting. So at 2:30 in the morning I finished the book very disgruntled (it was one of those cliff hanger endings so you are excited for the next book to come out... I just get pissed). Jonathan came out of his room, crawled into my lap, gave me the sweetest hug and kiss then said, "Mom, you really need to go to bed now. You are going to be SOO grumpy in the morning. " Then he crawled off to go back to bed. It is so sad that the lines are blurred as to who is actually the parent in this household. The kids give me wiser advise, in a much nicer way, then anything I impart unto them.

I fell into bed to, all to soon, awake at 6:00 to start the morning routine (I slept in an extra half hour). The only good that I can see coming out of my unproductive stupor that I am now stumbling around my day in, is I came up with some New Year resolutions.

1) Go to bed by 9:30 every night unless it is some special occasion, then my curfew is midnight

2) Exercise at least 15 minutes everyday

3) practice guitar @ least 15 minutes 5x a week

4)Learn to put a book down

5)One act of service a day for someone outside my home

6) The basic service inside my home (meals, dishes, laundry) PLUS a secret act of service for each family member weekly

7)At least 10 minutes a day with each individual family member actively listening. I am not allowed to comment, question, or criticize... just listen with my heart and arms open wide.

I'll start tomorrow. Right now I need a nap.

Last Night was Magical

2008-12-19T22:41:00.004-07:00

As the temperatures dropped and the snow fell, we had been given tickets to take my tribe here.

The night was filled with people in pioneer dress historically reenacting a simple Christmas from days of old. The kids made; sachets of cinnamon and cloves, gingerbread decorations, saw the printer make cards just like the first Christmas cards in England and got to take one home, an advent calender, snowflakes, ... craft after craft done by firelight as we walked from home to home. Each activity brought smiles of joy and a chorus of sincere thank yous from the children.

The cabins and buildings were filled with the smells of open hearths. We laughed in delight as we did the Virgina Reel in the old dance hall, snuggled as we watched the puppet show, sang Christmas songs with gusto (Ok, we sounded more like funeral carolers but it was a great attempt) as we rode the train, marveled at the real reindeer and Old Father Christmas in his wooden sleigh and beautiful cape, missed the hot Spiced Apple Cider (we were saving it for last and they were locking up the farmhouse as we got there... sipping the remainder of the cider. We had to go out for Hot Cocoa to avoid late night, cold nose and toe, disappointed meltdown) BUT my favorite part was the Nativity.

As we walked down the snow covered, gas lamp lit street. There was a man dressed as an Eastern shepherd by one of the many street fire pits, he had real sheep around him. He invited us to warm ourselves by the fire and told us a story of a babe that had been born. He pointed to a large star over a stable and said if we follow that star we could see the baby for ourselves. As we got closer to the stable we came upon a tent set up with three kings around a fire cooking dinner. The biggest surprise was when, what we thought was a fake camel, rose in front of us and did some very real defecating. (Thankfully away from the kings dinner) The Kings told us of a King they had sought and found right at that very stable. One said he was about to go present the Christ child with his gift of Myrrh if we wanted to come along.

We quietly settled in behind him and something came over us as we were lead down the weaving, darkened path. The snow lay in reverence around us, the stars crisp against the cold above us, and the sounds and smells of the stable stood sharp as our senses enveloped them. We entered the shelter of the stable and the King dropped on one knee in front of Mary holding the Christ child and handed the gift to Joseph. He just nodded his head in acknowledgement and we all were frozen in the magic of it all.

As I looked into the shadowed face of each of my family members I saw we were all deeply feeling the moment. The only sounds were the rustling of resting animals we were surrounded by, and the cooing of the baby. Words are not adequate to describe my thoughts at that moment. I found myself choking back tears.

After several minutes silently in the tranquility of this scene we soundlessly turned and peacefully headed back to the main street lost in our thoughts. The magic was shattered as a group of teen aged males went running and yelling by, "Hey, they say there is some baby over here we are supposed to check out." "Dude, I hope Mary's hot." Today's world came crashing back in fast.

We didn't get home until after midnight and our day starts at 5:30 am, which means tears and bickering were in evidence all day. Yet, for me , there is a shift. I met their tears with hugs and handed the worry of our finances over to the Lord. Found wealth beyond measure in the faces of friends and family. A storm has raged outside, howling, unable to penetrate the joy within.

I am grateful for the time to reflect on the reason for the season. Feeling joy and peace fill me so completely that there is no room in my Inn for discord. The stabilizing force of seeing how rich I truly am as I get lost in the treasure of You.

Babygirl growin' up

2008-12-18T09:53:00.003-07:00

For those who know my overly serious babygirl this announcement may come as a surprise...
Rian has joined a percussion group that does things similar to this

How cool is that?!?!? She is even gettin' a little attitude goin' on.

I am so happy I could burst! I have long felt like the only kid in the house. They were all born little old lady and gentlemen. Rian is my high honor, Shakespearean actor, violinist, correct Moms spelling, writing deep and serious,... type of girl.

NOW, not only does she get up at 5:30 am to bang on trash cans and hit sticks on the ground, her writing is gaining humor AND yesterday, the little girl who used to cry if she thought she had disappointed a teacher, told me she could give a "flyin' fart what that teacher thinks. The woman has issues and needs to move on past Jr. High drama." I fell over in shock. Fee and I just looked at each other and burst out laughing. Rian said that!

*wiping a tear from my eye* I am so proud.

Darn Elves

2008-12-17T12:07:00.003-07:00

The shoe hiding elves have apparently taken up residence in my head and have added "tap dancing on neurons" to their repertoire.

And tonight is the kids concert... I hope the elves have vacated by then.

Winter Utopia

2008-12-16T08:36:00.006-07:00

Yesterday
the yards
were bones
dry, bare

Scattered
with naked contrast
flowers in final display
piles left by roaming dogs

Today
is covered
in a sheet of white

Layer
after layer
continues to fall
a great equalizer

Forgetting
what lies
beneath

Blissfully
unaware
until the thaw
back to the bones

Revealing
degrees of decay
emerging vitality
essence

Wondering
what waits to be unveiled
beneath the layers
of us

The Best Part of my Day

2008-12-16T08:05:00.004-07:00

Warm arms wrapped around me
Feeling heartbeat next to mine
Soft lips giving a smack against my cheek
Closing my eyes as I breathe in the joy
Energized by the connection
To the point of explosion
Sweet voice straight to my core
Playing on a glorious loop through out my being
"I love you Mom."

Blue Light Special

2008-12-14T19:44:00.011-07:00

At 10:00 last night the cold had settled in and the snow of the day was icing over, turning the roads into a nice rink of black ice. For some reason I felt I needed to go get a planner for 2009 that very minute. I fought that ridiculous notion then my daughter said, "Mom, do we need to go somewhere? I feel we need to go somewhere."

I heaved myself off the couch with a sigh and said, "Well, the stores are on Christmas hours. Let's go."

I had previously checked the two stores on our side of town for a planner, so we went to try Kmart on the other side of town. I never go to Kmart. Rian and I wandered all over the store only to discover that they don't even have 2009 calenders, let alone planners. (Apparently all the "on the ball" people around here needed to plan out January in September so they sold out then. *sigh* )

I just got done saying to Rian, "I don't know why I felt we needed to come here. That was a huge waste of time. The roads are crazy. We are the only people even here except for the workers." When I looked out the exit doors and saw Mikey struggling with some bags in the outside darkness.

Mikey. Mikey brings a smile to my face just for being. He is a little over six feet tall, broad boned, a pregnant looking little belly (that usually has his pants hiked way too high above it), beautiful olive skin, and dancing brown eyes that are emphasized by the baldness of his head. Commonly found with shoulders in a hunched position with his head shyly down. He speaks in a high pitched quiet voice and is rarely found without a smile. Though around 29 years of age, emotionally he is delightfully much younger.

Cleon got to know him when we first moved to this town. He would take Mikey with him to help do service projects for people. Then he would bring him to our house for meals. We would have to gently remind him he had his own apartment and it was time to go there. When we moved to another section of town we often would see Mikey wandering the streets and give him rides to where he needed to go. I am unsure of all his challenges but I know he maintains an agreeable childlike innocence at all times.

So there stood Mikey, 10:30 at night, across town from his apartment. His head was down against the bitter cold and his feet kept slipping on the never ending sheet of ice as he struggled to try to figure out how to balance his purchases.

"Hi Mikey."

He did his shy glance over and brightened "Hi Melanie. Hi Rian. " He replied in his little girl voice (It always makes me giggle coming from such a big body). He walked over to us leaving most of his bags on the ground. He always seems to be expecting us when we appear, and always just follows when he sees us.

I went over and gathered up his bags with a smile. Shaking my head as we piled into the van I asked, "How were you going to get home Mikey? You're not dressed for the cold. The sidewalks are icy, and you don't have enough arms to carry all your purchases."

His response wiped the smile off my face and added tears. "Oh, I knew you would come. I said a prayer and Heavenly Father let me know an angel would be by to help me soon."

"...Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
... Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? *or , How shall we get where we need to go?*
(For after all these things do the gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knowth that ye have need of all these things.
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Matthew 6:28-33
*my addition

Stomach Flu

2008-12-10T20:59:00.003-07:00

Five hurling (out of both ends) people.
Two bathrooms.
Cleon having to work late.
Rian's opening night of her play.
No one able to be there to support her being a true trooper and performing sick.
Mother guilt.

AND Jane ate baby Jesus.

What a Long Strange Trip It's Been...

2008-12-07T21:19:00.005-07:00

Chillin' at a Folk Festival in Bar Harbor, Maine
Yeah, that's me in the middle laying down
(I DO have a shirt on, it is spaghetti straps and pink)

In my early years I would tell stories I had heard or read about and pass it off as my life experiences. With few exceptions these stories were readily believed.

Like when I was about 6 or 7 my Aunt went on a trip to France. I was visiting her home when she came back, I hung on her every word as she described her experience. Upon arriving back at my home I visited a neighbor (who was French or had lived there, I forget which) and told her I had just returned from France. I then repeated with merriment all my Aunt had just told me. I promptly forgot about it and went on my way. A few months later at a party in my home one of my Aunts was surprised as the neighbor asked, "Now are you the Aunt who took Melanie to France?"
I would never know this story if it wasn't for the fact I have to hear it whenever I am around those relatives :0). For the record, I have never been to France. (My French Club trip was to Quebec. How lame is that?)

When I was about 10 yrs. old, my "Aunt" wanted to go shopping at Macys in New York City. I saw this great wig section and asked my "Aunt" if she would leave me there and pick me up later. I loved dressing up and changing my hair so I wandered and gazed longingly at the wigs. A rude salesclerk asked me if I wanted anything and made it clear she thought I should move on.
I couldn't help myself... I started to get teary eyed and out came this story about how I was going to have to undergo chemo soon and just wanted to get an idea of how wigs would look on me since I was going to lose my hair. I told her I would just go and turned to walk away. I was not prepared for the outcome and I feel guilty to this day.
The salesclerk gasped and called the other clerks over, told them my story and they then sat me on a stool and gave me the red carpet treatment. I tried on wig after wig. When I saw my "Aunt" coming I said, "My 'Aunt' does not like to deal with what is going to happen. I have to go."
I slid off the stool and went over to my Aunt. The clerks were all giving sorrowful glances. My "Aunt" looked totally bewildered and asked, "What was that all about?" I just shrugged my shoulders.

Somewhere along the way I realized I had a problem. After some soul searching (and therapy), I worked hard to change my ways. It would get kind of weird.
Someone would be talking about something and I would pipe in, "Yeah, that is like what happened to me when... Never mind, I just read that somewhere. It didn't happen to me."
or they would ask me, "Have you ever...?"
Of course I would say, "yeah,..." describe it in great detail, then realize I was reverting back to my old ways and so I would abruptly end with, "Just kidding. No, I never..."
The most uncomfortable was when someone would bring up something I had said to them before and I would have to say, "Well... about that story...not true."

Then came the big shocker. Telling the complete and total truth when people asked me something or when I shared an experience had people calling me a liar! Flashback example:
I was teaching at the local High School when the subject of religion came up and I was telling them about how my Dad would take me walking and talking with Gishala (however you spell it...) who is second to the Dalai Lama in Tibetan Buddhism. I explained this was in New Jersey because the Chinese had chased out the Tibetan monks. Before I went into to much detail one of my students said, "Ya, Ya I saw Seven Years in Tibet too." I had never even heard of the movie at the time (now I have seen it). He did not believe a word of my story.

I quickly discovered my life was stranger then fiction. After I got done really having an all out laugh about that. I learned to just be quiet. I know that comes as a shock to those of you who knew me most in my early "I must be the center of attention" years. Now I only find myself going on about me when I am nervous, overtired, or drunk (silly, I don't get overtired or nervous).

Inside this dumpy, spotted, stretch pants wearin' exterior lies a woman who;
I just erased a huge list of what I had done in my life. It just seemed... boastful. I think as I find pictures and learn how to scan them, I'll share stories of my journey.

One memory my list brought back was a magical night in the Yukon Territory. I had been traveling from Alaska and gotten a ride. We stopped to overnight at a hot springs. As I wandered around I got talking to a handsome young native man who asked me if I wanted to go with him on a night hike to see the stars and swim in some large hidden hot springs. The stars were intense, the night alive, and the swim was transformational. We came back as the sun was rising and I left with my ride to continue down the AlCan.
It was one of those transcendental experiences that could of only happened to me at that time and age. If I was there now... First of all, No handsome young stranger would ask me to take the hike. Second of all, if he did I would be all, "I know the dangers of geothermic features and night time predators (including young men). I will only go with a crowd of big people I know, armed with pepper spray, and I'm not going in the water." Then I would be so uptight on the hike the magic would run and hide.
I would have missed out on a memorable night wrapped in the blissful ignorance of youth. A joyful, completely innocent lesson on star watching, night hiking, good company and the tranquility of swimming under the stars in the biggest most beautiful hot springs I have ever seen in my life.

I am getting closer to the age where it could be repeated again. Even with all the awful outcomes my now cynical self could imagine, and I would be totally ok with it.

My obituary would read like this;

After a long, full life Melanie left us at 90 years of age. She had a heated night of passion under the stars with a handsome stranger, then scalded herself diving into hot springs. As she managed to crawl onto the bank she was attacked by a bear and died with a smile on her face under the stars.

I am the Lorax

2008-12-06T21:26:00.004-07:00

Sale ads have packed my mailbox for the past two weeks. Today there were so many it filled the mailbox beyond capacity AND that is ALL there was.

No personal mail, no bills, no credit card offers, ... just sale ads. (Ok, I'm thankful the last two weren't there)

Ads I don't need or read.

I don't understand saving money meaning more then trees... or people.

I am a disgrace to the farming part of my lineage

2008-12-04T08:47:00.005-07:00

I have heard that if others are aware of a good deed then it kind of negates the blessings/karma of the service. I have been striving to do at least one secret act of service a day but I need to share this one 'cause I think the blessings are already negated anyhow...

On Tuesday I volunteered at a meat packing plant that provides its goods for free to the needy. How bad could it be? I have done my share of butchering in my youth (I still carry images of those poor chickens) and in Alaska (One moose and tons o' fish). I am a firm believer in; if you are going to consume meat then one must do so with a knowledge of where it comes from and be prepared to get your own if necessary.

Since we have been meat eaters as of late and I hate handling raw meat so much that I plan my menu a week ahead. I then have our very understanding local store cut the meat into what I need for that week (I know you can buy it that way but it costs more, this way I buy the on sale meats and get it cut exactly as I need it without extra charges). Given my extreme distaste for handling the meat, I knew I needed to volunteer or go back to being a vegetarian.

As soon as the meat we already have in the home is consumed, we are going back to vegetarianism.

I would describe the whole meat packing plant experience to you but I just want to forget it. It will be a long time, if ever, I sign up to do that again. It is kind of like childbirth (minus the joy of a child), the memory has to dim before you will even consider round two.

I know if I need to, I have the ability to hunt, butcher and cook meat for my family. Should the need arise I will do so without complaint.

In the meantime I have no problem handling the carnage of vegetables being ripped from the ground or off the stalk. Though the slicing and dicing of onions and hot peppers make me cry, I do not want to vomit in disgust.

*********
All this gave me some flashbacks...

When I was younger my parents got this great idea to get a cow and raise it for meat. We called her Darlin' and she was very loved by all the children.

The time came for Darlin' to become dinner. The money saving idea of having Darlin' butchered on the premises, in hindsight, was not a good one. We all refused to eat Darlin' until one day my Mom said, "The meat in the deep freeze is no longer Darlin', it is one of Grandmas cows you don't know." So we began partaking again.

Mom, just let us keep believing you traded out the meat, ok.

********

I used to manage a nature museum. I gave daily tours to school groups which included education about the snakes I cared for there.

Sometimes the lucky children were treated to feeding time. There was always a recoiling in horror as I would bang the head of the mice then feed them to the snakes. I would say something like, "You eat cows and pigs, all they are eating is a little mouse."

Never fail there would be a protest against my statement, "I would never eat a cow." Being Yellow Springs, Ohio, some of them probably never have (large vegan population) but to the rest I would ask, "Do you eat hamburgers?" Affirming nod. "Then you eat cows."

Yeah, I did my part to scar some children for life.

************
There is a story in my family of some one of the youngin's noticing some of Grandmas cows missing. "Where did they go?" The innocent asked.

"To McDonalds." was someones witty reply (silly, that is not real cow meat).

On one of the trips home from Grandmas this child was taken to a McDonalds. After the child took a frantic look around and was getting visibly upset, the bewildered grownup found out what was wrong.

"I don't see Grandmas cows anywhere." Then a relaxed face, "They just must be visiting a different McDonalds."

Ahh, the innocence of youth.

***********
The ever helpful person reading over my shoulder just asked how I handled anatomy lab, my days as a EMT and how do I always stay so calm when everyone else is freaking out about the gore (like when his brother accidentally chopped his finger off). To me there is a huge difference between saving someones life or helping them maintain body parts, and cutting something up to consume. It is not the gore that gets to me, it is the meaning (or lack of) behind it.

Don't tell anyone, but I had to put all my acting skills to the test for anatomy lab days. I didn't do as well as I made pretend I did.

Searching

2008-12-02T01:11:00.006-07:00

My Superhero
So many directions
Confusing messages
Sometimes it helps
To fog up
The mirror and
Draw pictures

Jane is a four letter word

2008-12-01T08:03:00.002-07:00

Yesterday Jane came in all excited from an outdoor romp with some unknown substance caked to her coat and the worst smell known to humankind. The happy little children held their noses and came running to get me while they let her romp all over the furniture and the house. Yeah, your not wanting to come visit until you hear we have new furniture.

I reminded Rian that Jane is her dog. Rian tearfully went to shower off Jane and our sweet warm hearted Fee helped her out. After they got her all clean and dry they let her out again... ah huh, shower number 2.

This morning in her early groggy state Rian let Jane out again, and forgot to let her in before going off to shower. By the time I noticed her whining at the door her smell preceded her. I am just sticking her in her kennel...

If I would just go to bed on time...

2008-11-21T22:29:00.006-07:00

I am tired today. I went to a horrible midnight movie with a kickass group of gal pals and a token male. I got to sleep around 4:00 am.

I awoke to tears over school lunches not made and the never ending missing shoes saga (I am going to squash those little elves if they ever dare show their face). I found the elves must of partied on peanut butter the night before and didn't even have the decency to throw away the jar.

Jonathan with a fever and a compliant that his throat hurt. Drawing instant concern because, unlike a certain Drama King, Jonathan has never complained of an illness before in his whole six years upon this earth. An emergency Doctor visit found him in an advanced case of strep.

The minivan greeted us with a sigh escaping from a tire. The emergency tire Doctor ordered immediate replacement of all four wheels. Merry Christmas family, this year we are blessed with safe transportation. I'll try to remember to stick a bow on the hubcaps so you know where to find your present.

We then narrowly missed becoming part of the passionate embrace two cars performed in front of us. Their owners were definitely against the relationship. The tears of glass and metal left behind crunched under our wheels as we gave them their privacy.

Apparently one of our brand spankin' new wheels was still too young to let go of what it had witnessed and died a tragic death as we rounded a corner, almost taking us with it.

We made it to Fees clothing contest only 10 minutes late but early enough to witness her walk the runway with the amazing wool coat she made. As they read the description of her and her work, tears were filling my eyes as she shone in full splendor. Tears ran unchecked as it was read, "she thanks her host family for all their support and giving her this opportunity to see all that is good in America and the world."

I wonder whose house she moved into while I wasn't looking...

Dichotomy Resolved

2008-11-20T21:48:00.011-07:00

For as long as I can remember I have felt broken into a multifaceted thing. Ever changing and hopefully evolving, but never whole. Only allowing certain faces to emerge at any given time.

Immersed in the world of Fine Arts I was free to explode with the absurd. My circle of friends explored the world in invigorating ways, moved with spontaneity to any music they heard, including the sound of their heartbeat. I was carried by their laughter and gifted by the poetry of their souls. For some reason this world also included extreme substance abuse, a hatred of organized religion and, though they tossed the names of God and Jesus around like a frenzied game of dodge ball, there was little to no respect or love behind it.

I wondered at those who so carefully treasured the bodies of animals and would not ingest or wear anything pertaining to them, yet treated their own bodies with such horrific abuse. Many were aging before their time. The spirits struggling to survive in the ever crippling body, until they too, would often begin to blacken.

My search for truth that spoke to my essence led me to an organized religion. The doctrine included all the beauty I had found in world religions and my deepest consciousness. I joined in a small town with a small group of members. As I ventured into the world and lived in places more deeply rooted, I was soon to find there was a culture around this religion that I could not find in the doctrine. I struggled to understand. All this truth and proclamation of living before them and they seemed lost in appearances. I was met with judgment and condemnation. A religion based on the truth of our eternal spirits and the god potential within each of our beings seemed encased in a people bent on getting lost in the ritual without embracing the joy, the simplicity, the exquisiteness that lay before them. The artistry existed here also, but with defined restraint. My circle of friends within grew, uplifted and edified me but I quickly learned to only show facets and dress the part.

As I tried to share my inner awakenings with each group, it bred distrust and a questioning of my loyalty amongst them. I found myself on the edge of the pulsating, clothing optional, movement mandatory, crowd of men in dresses and womyn with shorn heads and combat boots Saturday night. Alone into the stillness of Sunday morning, hitchhiking in my modest dress to sit at the end of a pew of people who varied between making me their project and inching away.

I tried to turn from each and both, only to find that to do so was to deny my veracity. So I felt I lived the life of an actress who had not learned the lines they want to hear. Torn and living a life in denial of pieces of the whole to satisfy each part. I know it has been slowly, painfully killing me.

The unexpected challenges life has added into the mix. The birth and death of children, the heartache and feelings of helplessness as I watched children struggle with mental illness and autism, the indescribable pain of having to let some children go in order for the others to survive,... anguish that kept me on an ever inward spiral. Until it was between the Divine and I, all others had been pushed away by the waves my spiraling caused.

On tentative emergence into the world outside of myself, I was a stranger in a strange land. But you saw me and took my hand. You called me names like "beautiful" and "writer". You laughed at me and with me. You saw my dance and I saw appreciation in your eyes. I read you my flaws and you read me my virtues. I am in awe of the vastness of you. The many names you go by ... names to numerous to mention... that span the globe covering all faiths, races, genders and sexual identities. You shone your light, made a path in the darkness and helped bring me home.

The pieces have fallen into place. The actress has left the stage. There is peace in my soul and poetry in my breath. May my light, which shines with the spark from Your light, be part of the never ending path to the Divine. Jai Bhagwan.

Still in my pajamas

2008-11-20T09:31:00.003-07:00

I spent the morning looking for missing backpacks, shoes and homework. None of which were mine.

Washing faces, dressing bodies, and brushing hair. None of which were mine.

Making breakfast, washing dishes. Not for me or mine.

I am going back to bed. Maybe when I wake up, my Mom will be there to take care of me.

Not a writer after all

2008-11-19T10:36:00.005-07:00

I just completed a soul rendering shower in which the thoughts and emotions tumbled through me faster then the comforting drops of water danced across my body. I rushed to the computer to finally share what I might term as writings and... realize why the book may never be written and the poetry of my soul never be shared.

In this frame of mind I am fully living. I glance outside and see the birds soaring on the invitation of the gentle breeze. The vivid green grass rejoicing in defiance to the naked soothsayer trees that warn of imminent death. The sun extending its kisses of warmth through the window, teasing of what more can come...

I can't just sit here in the stillness of the house and share. I am going out to embrace the sun, dance to the rhythm of the day, and sing my spirit into the wind.

Parenting

2008-11-18T23:23:00.005-07:00

Aaron needed a brown shirt and pants to be a Beaver in an opera his class wrote. Of course we have every color shirt and pants in the world... but brown. Off to the store after a LONG day I went, with Aaron and Jonathan in tow.

The first store yielded a brown shirt, no pants, and disappointed boys because we did not have time to look at Legos.

Second store yielded brown pants (albeit a size to big, but that is why belts were invented), and phone calls that it was time to pick up Rian from her play practice and Fee from her sewing project. The boys dropped to the floor in a way reminiscent of much younger children and how I felt inside, proceeding to do the most impressive display of "I want to look at Legos, NOW".

I looked around at the crowd that was beginning to gather (you know the ones looking out of the corner of their eyes smirking because either they have children and are grateful it is not theirs for once or they don't have children and they are thinking "My child would never"). I then loudly announced, " I wonder where their Mother is? I think I'll go look for her." and walked out the door.

The boys stopped the display, looked at each other in surprise and came running after me to join me in the van. I gave them a big hug and kiss, buckled them in and drove off without mentioning the incident.

Sometimes it really works for me to have children that don't resemble me at all.

Suddenly glad we don't have a camara

2008-11-18T08:36:00.006-07:00

I spent the day yesterday fighting back an explosive headache that threatened to blind me and empty my stomach. A very bad day to attempt giving myself a haircut, but since I am made of stupid, that's what I did.

I do believe my scissor wielding five year old niece would have done a better job and had more fun. I am thinking of just adding a vivid purple color and making pretend I meant to look like a preschool masterpiece. I am thankful that hair does grow back.

In the meantime, I am exploring the world of hats.

My belly

2008-11-16T10:05:00.004-07:00

This morning I shot out of bed to answer an early morning phone call. After I finished the call I stood and gave a great big stretch in full roll out of bed disarray. My very comfortable but far from flattering two piece light blue fleece pajamas were gaping in the middle to display my white undergarments draped across my largest form of angst, my belly.
It has never recovered from being stretched beyond capacity to carry the seeds of my heart, and the yo yo dieting that followed. It hangs down in empty rejection, soft marshmallow without even a memory of muscle. I was not focusing on it at this time, I was just lost in the glory of a full on, larger then life, core expanding extension.
I am jolted by the feel of two warm arms around my middle and the smacking sounds as lips gave my mid line rolls a great big kiss. I stare in surprise into the joyful brown eyes of Jonathan as he gazes back and blissfully sings out, "I love your belly so much Mom. It is the coolest most beautiful belly in the world."

Life truly is a matter of perspective...

UPDATE: A case and point on why it is sometimes better to live in the moment then pause for reflective inspection. I read Jonathan the post and he said, "Well... it was kind of gross to touch it." Bubble officially burst.

Home

2008-11-13T21:11:00.005-07:00

Driving down the windy road as the warmth of darkness framed my way; outlining waving trees, a streaming gleam of reflected moonlight and open pasture. My eyes were drawn to how the moon, in almost her full round glory, gave a bathe of magic to the mountains and the town nestled around her feet. The rich soulful sounds of a woman singing her spirit into her guitar merged beautifully from my radio into the scene around me. I breathed in the splendor and exhaled into reflection.

To the scene a few moments ago when I tucked my angels into bed. Jonathans gleaming smile and soft full lips as he pressed them against my check for one last kiss and warm sweet arms as he held on for just one more embrace. The sparkle in his deep brown eyes before they close with a smile still upon the lids as I tuck the blankets in around him. His little wiggle deeper in as I turn on Bob Marley to carry his dreams. We softly sing together as I exit, "I want to love ya and treat you right. I want to love ya every day and every night..."

Then unto Aaron who slips blissfully between his hot pink satin sheets and awaits his Father to send him into other realms with the nightly reading (this week it is Hatchet). I brush the white blond hair from his face and gently take away the glasses he always forgets he has on. I have to chuckle at the twisted state they are in and how, even in all it's crazy deformation, they still seem to fit his face. I am always amazed by the power of his eyes in that moment of caressing his hair back from the face and removing the glasses that held them back. He gives a giggle of such innocence through the gap in his to big teeth and sighs out an "I love you Mom."

I know I will be back later to turn his body around in the bed and cover him up tightly with his covers. He never wakes up, but I get his thank you in the change from an exposed tense little ball to the relaxed cocooned sigh of security. I always do a hair sweep and an "I love you bug" as a final goodnight. The expression that plays around his face makes me thinks he heard me on some level.

My Rian awaits me at the top of the stairs. I collapse on the couch as she leans back on my lap to have her mouth piece turned. I hold her face there and examine it with my heart. I outline the pock marks left from her horrible experience with chicken pox, and trace the scar above her eyebrow from her dive into a Christmas tree. Her skin gently beginning to bump and burst from baby to the pains of puberty. Caressing her beautiful cheekbones to those cute two brown moles that are looking more wicked witch like everyday. I stare in amazement at her mouth, in disbelief at the huge gap that is forming between what used to be very crowded front teeth. I look into those smiling old soul eyes, " Only 10 more turns on your mouth widening thing then we are supposed to be done."

"I wish we could just do it all right now and be done with it. But I can hardly handle the pain as it is..."

She continued chatting in excitement about her day. My soul capturing the essence of it, her love for her English teacher and the things she is introducing her to, her compassion for her P.E. teacher who is experiencing the deteriorating health of her sister, the joy of playing a game even if you"suck at it", the frustration with a Math teacher who "has a lot on his mind and I don't think his mind is with us at all" he has also experienced a loss but her compassion is faltering a little because she feels she has to teach herself math, her joy with the sounds that are emerging from her violin, ... the voice continued to weave in and out as I gathered my 12 year old baby girl into a ball and soaked in the fragrance of her youthful charm. So happy she could still fit so nicely on my lap, in my arms, and into my heart. Pushing away the thought of her becoming "to old" for these moments anytime soon I commanded myself to fully wrap around this moment.

"Mom, I really need to go to bed now. I have been feeling quite overwhelmed with all I need to do and I know sleep will help. Please tuck me in..." I have an inside laugh, at 40 years old I still have a heard time getting myself to bed. She has regulated herself in tyrant fashion since birth.

We peal back the mountain of covers while she laments the loss of quite a few pairs of socks somewhere in their depths. I manage to tuck each layer back over her while she assumes her position of lying on her side with a pillow stuck between her legs. She started doing it when I was pregnant with Aaron to imitate me. I stopped, she never has.

She gives her ritual glance over at her alarm to make sure it is set, of course it always is. She is the first one up and goes running with her dog and showers before getting us all up for prayer and scripture. I don't think she has ever known how to be a kid and I still am trying to figure out how to be a grownup. I kiss her forehead. She mumbles something. "What?" I ask her.

"I think I just called you something silly."

"I don't care what you call me as long as it isn't obscene."

"What does 'obscene' mean?"

"Rude."

"What?"

"Rude."

"Oh, I thought you said food, and I wondered why I couldn't call you macaroni and cheese."

I turned off the lights, "good night hot dog", my voice danced out.

"Night spaghetti" followed me as I shut the door.

The phone rings. Fee is ready to be picked up from her friends house. I pass my man on my way out the door with a slap to his cute backside. His care worn face bent over the sinkful of dishes still reflects confusion over his crazy wife after 14 years of marriage. Earlier I had been all psycholady at him over stupid stuff, the poor man, he really should stop trying so hard to understand me. I have never been able to do it and I have been with me for a long time.

I pull up to the friends house and watch Fee emerge gazelle like into the magic of the moonlight. Tall and elegant is betrayed by the habit she has of lifting her shoulders while she grabs her hands in a fist around her sleeves swinging the arms in front of her every inch a cute little girl. Her long brown hair frames her supermodel cheekbones and laughing brown eyes. Her beautiful generous smile made even more endearing by her habit of biting in the corner of her bottom lip to suppress it.

It had been strange to be a Mom figure to her at first. I, so short and round, had a hard time knowing how to put an arm around the statuesque figure that loomed over me. I loved her immediately, but the physicality's were new for me. As she has set up permanent residence in all of our hearts I see how silly I was to only see her height. I now know how to wrap her in my arms for a good night hug too. Her Momma must miss her very much. I know that our family will feel incomplete when she returns to Germany... a tear involuntarily escapes my eyes at the thought. She swings gracefully into the van and I am thankful that the night does not betray my shadow of sadness. Her earth angel presence fills the van and we head home along the winding path.

I opened the door into brightness and warmth. The smell of dinner still clung to the air. I had outdone myself tonight; Roast with a Raspberry/chipotole marinade, Caesar salad, sweet potato fries done with olive oil and Rosemary garlic, broccoli (from Cleons garden), homemade pumpkin pie (from Jonathans pumpkin patch pick) from the night before and fresh whipped cream. What was even more invigorating was that the sink gleamed empty while the air was full. Did I mention how much I love my man? I stepped outside again to say goodnight to the stars and thank the moon for her magic, then turned to enter the place that holds more treasure then any vault in the world, my home.

He is back to being six

2008-11-12T20:57:00.008-07:00

Jonathan was once again chanting "Barack Obama! Barack Obama!" ( I really need to check if his name is one r or two) and I asked again why the sudden huge display of energetic mantra. I waited for a new deep insight (see yesterdays post) while he looked at me in surprise and said, " It just sounds cool to say. Has a beat ya know."

A child shall lead them

2008-11-11T09:30:00.007-07:00

While the chilly darkness of the early morning still pressed against the outside of the house, we were gathered together around a warm breakfast with a cozy heat that made us forget what was behind the blinds. A sadness tried to settle in as it was mentioned that Fee got her information yesterday that she goes back to Germany January 20th. The boys said, "She can't go back before she experiences what life will be like with Barrack Obama as President!" and they started chanting. "Barrack Obama, Barrack Obama, ..."

I gazed with surprise at my two boys. Brothers and best friends. One with long white blond hair, vampire pale skin, neon blue glasses (he had wanted pink) and an air of a old professor trapped in a body that is way too small but somehow suits him just fine. The other, though three years younger, a tad taller and made of pure muscle, flashing bright brown eyes, tight black curls (that he desperately wants to dred when they get long enough), rich dark brown skin and a being that laughs or crys in a heartbeat with his whole self. They were high fiving each other and beaming in pure joy.

You would think from their reaction that we had been jumping around holding our arms in an O during this election year. We have not. I have always been registered non partisan except for a brief time registered as a Green when I lived in Alaska. Last year I registered Republican so I could vote in the Primary. I really wanted to see Ron Paul given a chance. We live in what is officially "the reddest area in the Nation" (it was in the news the other day). I do not elect someone by what Party they represent. I don't know if the parties themselves even know what they are about. I firmly believe and have taught my children to avoid labels at all costs, not just in Politics, but as a code of living.

Ever since I heard the words, "I have a dream, that our children will be judged by the content of their character, not the color of their skin..." It has affected my life deeply. I strive to expand that to political parties, cultures, sexual orientation, religion,... See the individual and the light they have to offer the world. I looked at each candidate and how they stood on each issue, what has their history been (did they learn from it), how close is it to what I believe and hope for and I voted third party.

I encouraged my children to examine things they hear in the same manner since they would come home from school with horrible untruths about the candidates. We don't have t.v. so we had the luxury of talking about what we had heard then looking up all sides if that issue on the Internet. I have been amazed at the depth of understanding and the insight my children have offered me.

Together we watched the election results come in over the Internet. Together we watched John McCain give his concession speech. I was moved to tears by this man and his call for all of us to unite as Americans. I was never impressed with him throughout his campaign but I was at that moment. Together we watched Barrack Obamas speech and the tears flowed anew. His was also a call to unity. He honored John McCain and his time as a prisoner of war. He spoke to everyone with a message of hope and history in the making. I am in full support of our new President. Regardless of some issues we differ in opinion on, Barrack Obama represents hope and change on a magnitude that reaches the very core of my family. I had not realized the full impact of that until this morning.

That wonderful moment when everyone else is out the door and the boys are all ready for school, we usually snuggle on the couch to read a story before getting them to school. I asked them, "Why are you so excited about Obama?"

They paused for a second and Aaron answered, "He is us, Mom."

"What do you mean?"

Jonathan got really quiet, then said, "I somehow belong now."

We talked of Barrack Obama's experience with other countries, religions, of blended family, of heartache, of being in a world that sees things as black and white while he comes from both black and white. We finally ended with his comment about, "A mutt, like me."

"That's what I mean Mom, Mutts now belong."

"Yeah, and our family is now an American family."

I dropped my boys off at school. A school that is filled with kids saying they are going to move to Canada, Barrack Obama is going to come take their BB guns away and kill the babies in their Moms belly (This is actual quotes the boys have come home with). I knew my boys are going to be alright. They gave me a great gift this morning. They showed me that the world may yet progress from being "African-Americans", "Mexican-Americans", "Gay-Americans" and all other hyphenated things to "Americans" then beyond country boundaries to "People".

Two very different looking little boys, brothers and best friends. Are out to change the world with the content of their character. I pray that we all realize that we are "mutts", it is time to come home and belong.

Your requests

2008-11-10T13:00:00.003-07:00

There have been requests for pictures of our amazing Halloween costumes and the spotted lady. We are unable to fill those requests at this time due to lack of a camera. I and the costumes will be on display in person from 1:00 -2:00 today for your viewing pleasure.

Things that go bump in the night

2008-11-07T09:48:00.004-07:00

Rian found a comment on her blog last night that stated I used to run around naked through the neighborhood. My children were in shock and wanted to know how someone could say such terrible things about me. So I had to explain that it was my Aunt talking about when I was THREE. It has been at least 20 something years since I did a complete in the buff run publicly. I don't think I even did it when it was perfectly acceptable to do it at my "clothing optional" College. At this point, I refrain out of compassion for others. Who really wants to know that my great cleavage is an amazing bra that takes my sad state of affairs that hang way to low and roll it up nicely into a wonderful mirage of something much "perkier"? Reality can be such a downer.

I went to pack night with the boys last night and shared a glimpse of my fading spots with others. I excitedly talked about the itching being gone... When am I going to learn? Sometime in the night the itching reemerged and the spots are back on my face today. *sigh* color me Halloween year around...

If you read Aaron's blog you will see mention of ghosts. He has gotten into EVPs and ghost photography enough to keep me up at night. He only spent about 10 minutes learning about it before I intervened but it was enough to have him at my bedroom door and finally my bed (it was easier than walking him back every 10 minutes) all night last night. He had discussed it with his siblings and by 6:00 am we had three little kids in our bed. I told them if I die from lack of sleep they are going to find I can be one mean ghost. I even got up and made a big deal about casting out ghosts from the house about 1:00 am... apparently my children don't have much faith in my power. Geesh...

Why I Haven't updated my Blog

2008-11-05T11:20:00.003-07:00

Last week I started breaking out in Chicken Pox looking spots all over my face. It progressed to my hands and feet (even the palms and soles). It itches like crazy. The few times I have ventured out in public they try not to look repulsed as they grab their children and back slowly away.

I have been to two Doctors. First one scratched has head and said , "Well, I know it is not strep, hoof and Mouth, scabies, scarlet fever, shingles, ... but I have no idea what it IS. Probably an allergic reaction or viral." He gave me two strong prescriptions and sent me on my way. "If you are not doing better in a week come back." Yeah, right.

The second cut a hole in my arm to send a sample of it to pathology. He is also scratching his head but being a little more proactive. He dumped a big shot of steroids into my arm without warning, so "all natural approach me" is on a steroid treatment program. I was feeling fine before that was introduced (except itchy) now I'm all nauseous and stuff.

I didn't want to update my blog 'cause I thought you really didn't want to hear about it. I don't.

Betrayal

2008-10-22T21:34:00.004-06:00

I am over tired and having a hard time getting warm. As I tucked all the kids into bed tonight Aaron stated he was feeling a little scared. So I offered that he come cuddle next to me. He was so sweet and happy, "Thanks Mom, I miss cuddling with you."
Cleon came home and wanted to know why Aaron was in our bed. His little body all cuddled next to mine under the covers was finally bringing some warmth, so I replied, "I need him here as a heat source."
Suddenly his eyes popped wide open, "You mean your using me?" He promptly leaped out of bed and asked Cleon to read to him, "I know you read to me so we can bond Dad" he shot an accusing glance at me as he marched out of the room with Cleon, "not for alternative energy."

Road Tripping

2008-10-20T08:57:00.005-06:00

On a last minute whim I decided I wanted to go visit a friend I have not seen in 16 years this weekend. She only lives a mere 9 hours away. The kids all wanted to go with me but Cleon was a little hesitant. Since he has been gone so much (last week he disappeared to a conference on Traumatic Brain Injury) he had been really looking forward to getting some projects done around the house. Fee had already had plans to go to the Grand Canyon area with some other exchange students. So I assured him I would be fine driving on my own with the kids and off I went.

We headed down the highway and I didn't let the van stop until we hit the "Hole in the rock" rest area outside of Moab. We enjoyed a wonderful picnic lunch while the kids commenced to working themselves up into a panic discussing army ants and killer bees. Not convinced that we were not going to experience a sudden swarm from one or the other of them, Aaron ran to the van with a wonderful combination move of shielding from attack overhead and lifting his feet high off the ground when we suddenly got visited by a wasp around the same time he noticed an ant discovering our picnic.

We managed to avoid both attacking forces and continued down the road. Right at the spot we were supposed to turn to go towards Mesa Verde I stopped to ask directions (yeah, I didn't bring any kind of map with me, I figured there would be signs and I could always ask for directions... I got an Atlas for the ride home... guess I can't be to spontaneous with a van load of kids). The guy I stopped to ask ended up being a backpacker on his way to Flagstaff, AZ from Durango, CO. He said he, "wasn't sure but I think it is this way. Can I get a ride with you while you go?" Now if I had turned my head at that moment I would of discovered a sign pointing to Mesa Verde being the exact opposite way I was about to go.

Condensed version. We left him in the middle of the Indian Reservation at the Four Corner monument... surrounded by desert.

Rian had a bathroom emergency and there was not even a hill or bush to pull over to so she could have emergency relief. I finally spotted a house just off the road and we knocked to use their bathroom. An old native man answered the door, looked us over in disbelief, started laughing and let us in. Rian went off to use the bathroom while I discovered we had just interrupted a tribal council meeting. I told them our story and they gave us the directions that included back tracking over an hour. They told me to NOT pick up anymore hitchhikers and informed me that guy had to have passed Mesa Verde to get where he was, so he had just gotten a free ride. I told them where I had left him on tribal land and that I was worried about the amount of water he had with him and the lack of traffic. They assured me that after their meeting they would go, "Take care of him". I really would like to know what occurred :0).

We made it to Mesa Verde just in time to hike the Spruce Tree house cliff dwellings (it felt so good to hike after being bottled up in the van) and start the top Mesa loop. As the sun set we headed back to a place we had found in the park (this was the last two days most of the park was open) and collapsed into a deep sleep.

The next morning we finished the loop and did some Ranger led cliff dwelling hikes. This was the last day for most of them and they were making the most of it. Jonathan got to be the Jr. Ranger for the Cliff Palace tour and a group of college girls thought he "was the cutest thing". We got a picture that I will have to post when I get that far.

We then headed for Durango to see my friend. It was so good to see her, we had both gone to Antioch and were also roommates when I lived in Cordova, Alaska. We stayed up way to late and laughed harder then I have in awhile. Her daughter and Rian are about the same age and those two disappeared into the horse barn and pastures, not to be seen until it was time to go the next day. She has a foster son between the ages of Jonathan and Aaron. So they had a great time with Lego's (by the way Aarons blog is the Lego and Star Wars one for those who didn't figure it out) and trampolines. They required a little supervision due to...well... being three young boys. They each are sporting a bruise from one mishap or other and despite the brawls that broke out every once in awhile, they did not want to leave each other either.

Emma (my friends daughter), caught a snake while we were there to add to an already large collection. They were told how easy it was to care for snakes and to just keep their eyes open at garage sales for tanks of all sizes. The kids are all excited about starting our own collection (yeah, that is what we've been missing in our life... MORE ANIMALS)

While there we spent time at the Durango/Silverton railroad and Aaron was amazed at the steam locomotives. Jonathan was immediately in love with all the coal and oil lying around. We got to see two of these beautiful old trains come and go. Some trip we will have to ride the rails.

My friend took the time to scan some old photos for me of college and Alaska years. I have a lot more to do some time but we did not want to spend our time together scanning photos. (Any of my local friends have a scanner ? I'll let you make fun of my early years :0) )

None of us wanted to go, but duty called and we reluctantly piled back in the van at four o'clock Sunday afternoon to head home (armed with an atlas this time).

Needless to say I was more then a little tired for the drive home. We all made it back safely at midnight last night. That nice break the police officer gave us revived us for the last leg of the trip. The kind gentleman officer gave me a warning and an escort through Price. I do believe he even radioed ahead about us because we saw more officers the rest of the way then I have ever seen on HWY.6.

Kinda Pouring

2008-10-16T07:12:00.004-06:00

"When it rains, it pours" we are not having serious rainfall just enough to say, "I'm here". It turns out that splitting Jonathans lip was just a start of the fun.

When I picked Aaron up from school Tuesday he was limping and tearful, "I don't know what I did to my knee but it really hurts to walk on it." I thought he was just being Aaron and was just trying to get out of going to Rians cross country meet (and he mentioned he had gotten out of P.E. that day) but when I checked it out his knee is all swollen and "watery". He says he never hurt it that he can remember (and he remembers every "owiee" ever). I have no idea what is going on but as of last night he was walking fine again.

We went over to Rians meet (we were told she was supposed to run at 4:00) . I was lucky enough to find a recently vacated parking spot that was against the chainlink fence that over looked the field the run was on. I scanned the field to try to locate Rians team and saw them huddled almost directly in front of me. I told the kids to wait in the car as I went to let Rian know we were there. As I approached the group it parted to reveal Rian flushed, gasping and on the ground.

It turns out they had decided to run the girls at 3:20. Rian has been training so hard for this district meet (the final one of the year). I was told that up until the last half of the race Rian was in the top 10 running the course (there were 73 girls). Somewhere in that last half Rian apparently suddenly got a splitting headache and had a hard time breathing (she has a lung condition that we have an emergency inhaler for). The Mom that always "watches over" Rian until I get to the meets had Ri's inhaler and went on the field to administer it. Rian took a puff, shook people off and continued running the race, collapsing as soon as she entered the flag endy thingy (it is not really a finish line, sort of this pathy thing made out of flags that herds them into single file... I guess there is a line in there... I am sure there is a name for it...). I got there as she was "normalizing".

She was very shaken and in tears as I supported her on our walk to the van. I headed out of the van to go back and get her stuff. She gasped, "Please find out my time and placement". She still placed 37th in the group of 73. She was extremely disappointed but I was VERY proud of her.
I wish I had a medical crystal ball. I am hoping Aarons knee is nothing and I really wish we could figure out what is up with Ri. She has complained of breathing problems and body aches ever since she could talk. We have gone to Doctor after Doctor and the best they have been able to come up with is, "you can see on the scans that her lungs are inflamed, but it is not asthma. We don't know what it is but inhale this medicine everyday and in emergencies, this other one." YA, I feel better now.

She has not really fully recovered and all the kids have colds. Of course Rian refuses to miss any school and last night, armed with a box of tissues, she auditioned for the school play. I don't know what planet she dropped off of. I always looked for the tiniest excuse to get out of anything that resembled effort. I stand in awe of her.

Flashback

2008-10-13T22:06:00.004-06:00

Tonight we spent the evening unloading the truck and trailer of wood Cleon and a friend had cut and gathered earlier in the day. A friend down the road needed some trees hauled off so he could move the horses to winter pasture, we needed firewood so it was a perfect fit :0).

The temperature has dropped to 45 degrees and continues to drop as I type. (Though it is supposed to start warming up again tomorrow)

So we found ourselves with red noses and covered in wood chips as we "loaded each other up" and stacked the wood. We had all the back lights on and did not stop until the truck and trailer were unloaded and the night sky put on an impressive star show. As I was filling the kids arms with wood I kept flashing back to those years in Altmar, New York where we would spend our Saturday mornings doing the exact same thing. My dear brothers did a lot more of the outside work, my job was to keep the wood box by the stove stacked. There is something really satisfying about working together as a family under the stars to get our winter wood supply in.

Of course it was not without mishap. We had an enjoyable break between unloading the truck and starting to unload the trailer. I kept the kids way up on the lawn by the house as Cleon tried to maneuver our friends trailer into the driveway. That took longer then the whole unloading and stacking of the wood. I watched with a mixture of admiration and amusement (I never want to try backing in a trailer, I applaud my mans efforts) while the kids played Ring Around the Rosie under the stars.

When the trailer came to a stop I told the kids it was time to get back to work and swung my body into the trailer to start unloading wood. I did not know that my sweet little Jonathan was so eager to start again that he was right behind me. As I kicked my foot over I felt it connect to something with a solid thump in mid swing. Jonathan let out a howl and danced off holding his face while my heart crushed with what had just occurred. "Are you alright? I am SO SORRY baby, I didn't know you were there. Let us see it..." I don't think I could of felt (or feel) any worse.

He was being so tough and was trying to shake it off. "I'm OK, let's get back to work" he quivered with eyes full of tears. As he turned his head into the light I saw blood dripping from his lip.

He is sporting one very swollen split lip at the moment and, as if I wasn't feeling enough Mommy guilt, the little guy said as I tucked him into bed, "I am sorry I got in your way and made you kick me." Awww, I hugged him up good and I hope he understood by the end of the conversation that followed that it was all an accident and know we all know (especially Mommy) to be more careful.

I seem to recall our wood carrying time in Altmar was never without somebody in tears over something during the course of the stacking/splitting time. Maybe I kicked my dear brothers in the face too. I am sure they would love to elaborate on my meanness.

We finished the night with mugs of hot chocolate. It was Fee's first time stacking wood and it will be her first experience with a wood stove. She thought it was a great experience and I hope she keeps the excitement as we will be repeating this procedure (minus the lip splitting) at least four more times this Fall. Then we get to introduce her to stacking the wood in the house in the middle of snowstorms... ahh... the memories we are helping her build.

I can't believe I almost signed off with out mentioning Aaron's wood carrying reaction. I know all of you that know him probably already pictured this... He would look over each piece of wood that was coming his way with a look of pure disgust. One piece had a big clump of funky colored moss on it and he marched with it held as far away from his body as possible with his whole being looking like he was carrying some long dead animal. To his credit he didn't say anything negative, but he certainly didn't join his voice in with the others as they talked about how much fun it was...

Cleons Hidden Talent

2008-10-12T19:46:00.002-06:00

I was so excited about hangin' with grown ups last night that I forgot to tell ya'll about yesterday morning. Now that I know that this blog is how Dad, Barb and Mom are keepin' tabs on the fam I will try to write about more then the horrors of being an obese old lady who is married to her house. Thank goodness I have some cute kids to write about because my interaction with any other reality is very limited. ( Hi Mom! Hi Dad and Barb! My dear technologically challenged family, I think I fixed it so you can leave comments, try it out)

Ok. I just had to take a break from writing because Jonathan came out of his room begging me to take away an extra pillow and blanket because they were "scary". I told him I have no other place to put them so he agreed to let me just throw a towel over them. If you hear of my child disappearing in the night you will know he was carried off by the scary pillow and blanket and it will be all my fault because I didn't want to rearrange my linen closet.

After doing absolutely nothing but lay around the house and kill off rain forests with my tissue use last week, Rian, Jane and I decided to go walking Saturday morning. There is a dog friendly paved path by the Sports Complex that winds through the trees and along the river. As we started out on our walk I realized that we should just make this a family event. We went back to the house and gathered up Cleon, Aaron, Jonathan, a scooter and a skateboard. Fee was at a regional cross country meet that we really should have been at to support her, but it started at some ungodly hour on Saturday morning and I am not crazy enough to drag the kids out of bed and expect them to behave while we watch a bunch of people run around. Her team of seven girls ended up qualifying for State. So we all clapped for her when she came home.
We got back to the trail and ended up going down it in groups. Jonathan with his scooter was out front closely monitored by jogging Rian and Jane. I walked at a brisk pace to keep them in sight, while Cleon and Aaron lagged behind trying to figure out the art of skateboarding.
The sky was cloudy and a cold breeze kept us from overheating. Brightly colored foliage waved at us while we passed through it. The river raced against us, winning hands down due to it's swollen state. Off and on during the walk snow flakes would kiss our faces. You heard me right, snowflakes. Nothing that was sticking to anything but enough to have us scream at the heavens, "You are aware it is the beginning of OCTOBER?!"
My group reached this fun place where the path goes under a bridge and we realized it had been quite awhile since we had seen Aaron and Dad. So we turned around to locate the lost boys. After about half a mile of backtracking we heard the whir of a skateboard. Rian and I looked at each other and commented how Aaron must finally be getting the hang of it. We rounded the corner and our jaws hit the pavement as we witnessed CLEON bursting through the trees doin' his skateboard moves (I would throw in some lingo but I have no idea what skateboard lingo is). Aaron was stumbling after him yelling, "Dad, I think it is fixed now but if you keep riding it it won't be! Dad, I think it is my turn. DAD!" Cleon saw us and an elderly couple that came walking up behind us. They started laughing at him and Aaron finally got his skateboard back.
We spent the rest of the walk together and came home wanting hot baths and lots of hot chocolate.
Rian wanted to run the path this morning (her Jr. High District meet is on Tuesday and she wants to make big sister Fee proud) but I am still trying to warm up after yesterdays excursion. I wouldn't let her take Jane because I don't know if it was the four mile hike or whatever she got into last night but she has seemed kind of ill. At this point the dog has the worst gas ever and I am about to send Jane down that path by herself.
Jonathan is on a quest to stay up all night so I had better go give him my full attention. When I left the computer to tuck Rian in Jonathan sighed as I went by his door, "When is morning going to come? My bed is SO BORING." He has Cleon tearing up the house looking for his favorite Bobby McFerrin CD because, "only Bobby can help me get over the boringness and put my body to sleep." I know where the CD is, but Cleon is not understanding the directions I am shouting to him. So before Dad and son reach meltdown I guess I will go help them out.

Wonder what my first language is?

2008-10-11T21:24:00.003-06:00

My cold is winding down, I can even sporadically breathe through my nose.
I am absolutely giddy with excitement. Tonight I got to hang out and converse with grownups! I got to talk about fun things like politics, relationships, the neighbor (kidding), occupational choices, etc...
Fee babysat for us for the first time (we have been careful not to take advantage of having a babysitter aged person in the house... so we can save up favors for fun times like this :0) )
The phone only rang once for us while gone. Apparently someone had left the gate open and Jane got out. Rian was in panicked tears.
Cleon left ( I was in the middle of a very deep conversation about something really important like..." look at the yummy looking cherry chocolate dessert over there". It was yummy too Jan, Thanks!) but by the time he got back to the house Jane had been found. She has apparently rolled in something horribly disgusting and the weather has turned to cold to give Miss Lady Jane a bath (according to Rian). I am not going to deal with it tonight.
Cleon turned around and rejoined the party. I found myself rambling and tripping over my words (I know big surprise to everyone). I was so excited to be able to verbally communicate with cerebral adults that I found myself sounding like English was a second language. I have no idea what language is my first but there is no evidence that would support that English is. I had a lot of fun and I think established myself quite firmly as that "quirky eccentric neighbor". My poor husband suffered in relative silence by my side (every once in awhile I heard a sound that resembled groans of pain). My dear sweet man, I know he loves me 'cause he does still claim me after these public appearances.
We came back to wide awake children who had just had a lot of fun playing games. Then Rian had a meltdown 'cause she chose to play games instead of finish her homework. GEESH! I pointed out that kinda negated the whole, "I'm just gonna have fun thing".
My dear daughter, Either chose to take a break from work and embrace the fun wholeheartedly or choose to keep working. The whole have a nervous breakdown over what you did not do leads to early ulcers.
My Mother wishes she had had a child like Rian. I can honestly say I never regretted having fun over doing homework. I can honestly say I never even worried about homework. I turned out ok didn't I ... oh yeah, maybe it's good my daughter takes a different approach.
The chickeepoo even has meltdowns if she thinks she will get anything below a 95% in a class. Once she was sure she was failing (she ended up with an A- and it was in a Spanish class that she joined in halfway through the year. She had to catch up on the whole first half of the year on top of the rest of her course load.) and she asked me what I would do if she brought home an F. I told her I would put it in a scrapbook because she will have learned that she failed at something and the world did not end.
Her biggest problem with homeschooling was that I was not giving her a grade. When she insisted I would be very critical and never gave her anything above a 70%. I marked off points for failure to appreciate the humor in something or not taking advantage of opportunities to really slack. She decided to stop asking and did not agree with my evaluations.
I gave birth to a little old lady. I know she is going to do amazing things with her life despite the handicap of having me as her Mom.
Well. My angel man just put a nice cup of herbal tea by my side. I think I will stop my late night ramble and sip a bit o' tea while continuing a nice conversation with my eternal companion.

All snuffly

2008-10-08T21:33:00.001-06:00

I know I should be writing but quite frankly, I don't feel like it. My head is bustin' out my eyes, I can't get air in or out of my nose, my teeth even hurt. I have missed walking for the last three days and missed belly dancing last night. *sigh* If I don't get better soon I will be on a rapid road back to slughood.
The sounds of Aarons emerging cough is breaking through my clogged up ears. I can hear Rian in the bathroom blowing her nose. The sounds of Fall are truly here...

Envy me

2008-10-02T21:02:00.001-06:00

I am heading out of town for the weekend and was told that before I leave I have to update my blog. Well at least I now know some people are reading it :0).

Tuesday was belly dancing day again. I wasn't feeling quite as fabtabulous as last time. I got there a little early and looked into the mirror as I warmed up. Needless to say that sort of shot a hole in the confidence factor. I thought I would play it safe and watch what my feet were doing. Where are my ankles and when did I lose them? I was in total shock. Ya, my ankles did the usual swelling thing when I was pregnant but I had never witnessed the horror I saw in the mirror that night. My feet went directly into my calves. I have never been known for my pretty feet and legs but Holy Cow, I had to turn away before I was to traumatized. I would share my thoughts as my eyes wandered up the body wiggling around in the mirror but I think it would be to disturbing for all involved.

By the end of the night everyone had a pretty sheen going and I looked like someone had just dumped water over me. I suddenly remembered why I stayed away from aerobic type activity. I don't perspire "with a healthy glow" I do a full all out pore cleansing sweat. (I have some very good friends to thank for the pore cleansing awareness. As I was lamenting my soggy state one quipped, "but think of the cleansing your pores got." They all murmured and nodded in agreement. "Oh yes, I have heard it is actually healthier to sweat a lot. Just think how much healthier you must be then the rest of us." Once again they nodded their lightly glistening angelic faces. *sigh* A+ for trying girls. Somehow I doubt this "more the Rubenesque" figure is healthier then your perky trim selves, but I'll make pretend.)

I don't remember Wednesday... that's usually not a good sign.

Today I got to haul two little boys to their sisters cross country meet. Those wonderfully supportive brothers cried and dragged their feet, "Do we have to go?!" By the time we got there Jonathans' face was an explosion of tears and mucus. I think it was one of the only times I didn't have tissues on me. I asked all the Moms in the vicinity if they had their supply, no success. So I got to do the shirt thing. Ever helpful Aaron screamed, "That is SO GROSS. Eww, Mom! How can you do that?" Trust me son, I was steps away of taking the snot laden shirt and shoving it down your throat.

Then Rian came in 10th place out of forty girls, so I dragged the "slime covered factories of fun" over to congratulate her. She too was in tears. Apparently her placement was not what she thought it should be.

If you're not envious enough of my life yet, we topped the night off with Aarons cub scout pack meeting. We had to write a story as a family. Jonathan spent his time hanging on Fee, Aaron jumping up and down, flapping his arms, Rian curled into a ball on the chair and Cleon staring off into space. I was over tired and a little annoyed. You can imagine the story I began to write. As I realized each Scout was getting up to read his family's story I quick made a g rated version. I topped the pack night off by arguing with a very sweet 14 year old about a book. I think I made her cry and I am going down in the chronicles of Mean Old Ladies.

I decided the reason I blog is to help you all feel better about your lives.

Love this pic

2008-09-29T21:59:00.001-06:00

Ri took this picture of Jonathan for a class she took.
I need to go to bed tonight, so I just thought I would give you all a dose of cute.

To Birthmom Suzanne

2008-09-28T22:16:00.001-06:00

J asked about you again today. He does not understand why he can't at least send you an email. We have sent you lots of heartmail. I have letters to you that have been written over the last five years from M, A and J... I even wrote you a few.

There are so many things I want to ask you about your life and the kids life before they entered the orphanage. I tried so hard to get any and all information on you we could. I even sent a camera down so they could take pictures when you did the final paperwork. All I got back was, "It is better if you have them forget all about Haiti." I tried to tell them that some day the children are going to want to know the answers to questions like , "who do I look like?" they said I was crazy and no other adoptive family was being such a pain in the ass about wanting to know about the birth parents. (But they did tell me A resembled you and M your Mother. I have passed that information on to them) I searched for you myself during our time in Haiti, I still look into the eyes of pictures that come out of Haiti to see if you are ever staring back. It was only a year before the questions started.

We have searched the Internet for information on all things Haitian, we have made great friends in the Haitian community (not too largely represented in Utah though), done all we can to let them know they come from a vivid culture and strong people. They still have an ache in their heart for you.

M and A have struggled so much with their past we have had to reach outside our home to get them the help they need. My heart is broken and my anguish deep at the love I have for them but the hopelessness of how can I help them. I looked up Haitian adoption story after story, all is "everything is wonderful" or hair and skin care problems. Our children are not some animal that the "care and feeding of " posts are needed. Our three Haitian children have been excessively labeled in the short amount of time they have been on this earth, I think between them all they pretty much have the DSM 4 covered. I wish all I had to worry about was how to braid their hair.

They are souls that have been torn and ripped. Children who struggle to figure out who they are. They are strength in action with a power inside to change the world. I don't want to hear posts about "horrible Haiti and how I saved them", Haiti is the beautiful country that gave them life. It is part of who they are and they are remarkable. You, Suzanne, are part of who they are. I am grateful that you have allowed me the privilege of being a part of their life also.

About two years ago Jonathan woke up talking about you. He said you had visited him to make sure he was all right and to say you loved him. I had just tucked him back into bed when I heard A's cries from the other end of the house. She also reported a visit from you. I got a call from M's therapist the next day and he said M had awoken in the night and would not go back to sleep because he had had a visit from his Haitian Mother. I called down to the orphanage to give yet another try at finding you. They said they had not heard from you for awhile and your HIV had really progressed. For all they knew you were dead. I didn't tell the children. Why tell them what we don't know for sure... A big part of me thinks you did pass and came to do a final check before you moved on. If you are still out there in body and/or spirit, your children, our children, need you.

This really should have been another one of the letters I write to you and tuck away. But after an exhausting Internet search for answers I figure there has to be other Moms out there who are looking for something to say, "I understand." Even better would be if a post appeared from you, Suzanne, and I could wrap my heart around it and together we can look to our children.

I am SO the Queen of Cool

2008-09-24T22:07:00.001-06:00

From 8:00 pm yesterday 'til about 8:00 pm today has been fabtabulous. Check me out...

At 8:00 yesterday I was in belly dancing class. And I was not even the oldest or the biggest one taking it. Every time the instructors went by they acted all impressed with how quick I caught on to the moves... oh yeah, I'm a belly dancin' natural. Now if I can just get my belly to quit dancin' after the rest of me stops moving...

I came home and kissed my angelic boys who were already tucked into bed and talked with my girls about their night at YW. We giggled and laughed about the days happenings together, then with hugs and kisses sent them off to bed. My husband had done all the dishes and made the next day lunches for the kids. I quick checked facebook and had a whole bunch of nice notes in my inbox. I stepped outside and opened my arms up to the night sky, drowning in the beauty of it all. Went inside to thank my husband and get ready for bed, only to find he had also folded all the laundry. I let my amazing man know how much he rocks my world and blissfully faded off to sleep.

This morning I woke up without any pain from the belly dancin' experience. We had a peaceful prayer and scripture time. Rian and Fee took a two mile run before school started. Rian just glowed with her time and is looking forward to the meet tomorrow.
I made an ambrosial meal of fresh fruit crepes for breakfast with warm herbal teas of their choice. Everyone was ready for school on time and happy.

A friend met me for the 10,000 step walk o'pain and we had a cerebral chat about the state of the world. We vented, laughed and cried. So engrossed were we that we didn't meet up with the other womyn folk... we just kept on walkin'. All of a sudden I realized we were walking at such a fast clip we were passing other exercisers! I wasn't drenched in sweat and was still able to talk while we walked. I felt like someone had just placed the gold medal around my neck. As we returned home we checked our step counters 12,000 steps, funky victory dance performed.

I walked on over to way cool Jessicas house (the queen of flat pick guitar) to tell her Aaron would not be able to make it to lessons today. She asked if I wanted to sneak in a lesson. It was a fun hour of me actually catching on and sounding pretty darn good. We also had the chance to talk about all things eco... recycling, not eating meat for health vs. animal rights, politics, yoga, etc... We also discussed you Miss Dinah. Here is a shout out to your awesomeness and your rockin' achievement! Remember us little people as you sweep the theatrical world.

Then walked home to do the Chi Gong and spend an hour of pure heaven in a hot shower (I did enough environmentally friendly stuff this week to balance it out :0) ). Played with the dog, did a load of laundry, and met with a friend to excitedly discuss my latest brainchild (setting up a non-profit to support non-profits and the local artist community).

Then picked up the kids and they all had had a wonderful day! We made a fun after school snack, then noticed some unfamiliar dogs hanging around. Putting them in the backyard we were able to find their very grateful owners from the tags. I went to Fees Parent teacher conference to hear how wonderful our straight A angel is. Came home and served up an organic gourmet meal. Everyone liked it. Took Rian to the farm and discussed jappa meditation and eastern philosophy with my very favorite guru/ rancher....

It has been so much like something out of a dream... adult conversations, learning new things, reconnecting with angels from my past, happy family, healthy eating, contributing to the community, good friends and a body that is starting to feel young again.

Then my little bubble was burst.

I came home from dropping Rian off to screaming kids, a huge pile of dishes, dog puke, a heated discussion with my darlin' dearest husband about bills and the Presidents little speech this evening. My calves are starting to scream, no one has said hi on facebook, my fingers can't remember how to play guitar, I discovered my farmers market finds had gone funky, stuffed some unhealthy junk in my mouth, and I think I just hurt something practicing my belly dancin' moves...

Ahhh, but I am consoled that for 24 hours I was SO the Queen of Cool.

Yeah, I'm a bitter old lady

2008-09-23T08:44:00.001-06:00

So every week day morning my group of 40 somethin's womyn folk (some seem to be late 30's and holding) and I do the Power Walkin' 10,000 steps O'pain (we just added some killer hills). And every week day morning as we come limping and stumbling back to our homes my 20 something, looks like a supermodel with a great boob job, neighbor has some comment about my attempts to get into shape. She is usually making them with a cigarette in one hand and a Ho-Ho in the other. My new mantra that I mutter as I pass her has become, "just wait 'til your 40 my pack a day smokin', Ho-Ho eatin' friend... just wait 'til your 40... "

On a side note to those of you who have asked about the results of my new found" love" of exercise, no, my waistline has stayed the same. I just get so darn hungry from all that extra exertion. But Rian did say today, "Mom, I think you look a little healthier..."
I'll take what I can get.

Jane's in the doghouse

2008-09-21T19:48:00.001-06:00

This morning my heart took pictures (since I still haven't gotten any camera advice) as Cleon and the kids worked together to make 5 dozen yummy Chocolate Chip- Walnut cookies. The last batch came out just before church, so they left them all on the table to cool. The kids were so excited talking about who they were going to bring cookies to after church, that they walked out without putting Jane in the kennel. Yeah, you know where this is going...
We came back to crumbs and chocolate all over the table, bench and floor. The kids started crying and Jane promptly threw up. We put Jane outside and spent an hour cleaning up the mess. We have tucked our tear stained children into bed and I was just looking to unwind after the day when I glanced over at the sink.
There, as I write this, towers the only results we have from a morning of baking. A daunting pile of dishes, bowls, cookie sheets, etc... Guess who gets to do them? And without a cookie in sight to reward her...

Jane had better spend her night working on showing me she has some redeeming value.

Mr. Boxer Briefs

2008-09-20T14:03:00.002-06:00

Today is chore day in our household and Jonathan has embraced rebellion wholeheartedly. It started with getting dressed as far as his socks and boxerbriefs, then him deciding that is all a boy should have to wear.
He had morning dish duty with his sister. She has been gone to Space Camp so he opted to wait for her rather then doing the three dishes that were in the sink this morning. By the time Rian came home the dishes had multiplied. He took one look and declared he was running away. No amount of reasoning was working so I informed him of the dangers and realities of living on his own, packed him a lunch ("You may never know when you will be able to find food again, especially with no money or work skills. So make this last.") told him how much I love him and will miss him, then "tearfully" gave him a great big hug and sent him out the door. Keep in mind he is still only in socks and boxerbriefs.
I watched out the window as he made it as far as the end of the driveway, then decided that was a good place to rest and have a picnic. His sister went out to see how he was doing and he said he will stay out there until, "Mom is good and worried. So I won't have to do the dishes." She reports the mosquitoes are enjoying the amount of skin Jonathan is showing. A neighbor just called to see if I knew he is out there. I told her Jonathan is "teaching me a lesson."
I can watch out the window as I sit here and I see that Mr. BoxerBriefs has decided to head back home. He is already itching at his exposed skin. I wonder how he is going to handle the new amount of dishes in the sink...

Just checkin' in

2008-09-19T15:47:00.001-06:00

My husband has been out of town for the last three weekends. First, was to help his Dad put a roof on. Last weekend was to attend a workshop on restoring log cabins, this weekend I lost him to adobe restoration. He is really excited about the adobe guy, turns out he is also an expert in alternative building. He just got done doing some straw bale homes.
"I thought Cleon was a psychologist?!?" I hear you saying. Yeah, but he has never really enjoyed his job. I have been trying to get him to figure out what he really wants to do and makes steps to do it ever since we got married. So here we are 14 years later and he is finally actively pursuing his dreams. Only now I am liking the idea of a steady income and retirement in 5 years. So I still encourage him to follow his dreams, just on the weekends and during summer break :0).
Rian is heading off for an overnight Space Camp, Fee out for a night with friends and the boys are busy telling me what each other has done wrong during the time I have been at the computer.